I looked back and was surprised to see that it’s been since October that I posted, well, other than my bedspread pictures.
This is a great time to post actually since I’ve just had my weekly nutrition appointment. As usual it went well. It’s been going well for quite some time even if there are difficult things to talk about. Last week was frustrating because I had gained weight. Why is this frustrating? He’s been working with me to normalize my weight down to a point where I can be okay with my body. He would rather have me continue moving forward in recovery and maintain a healthy working relationship. This is why he’ll be my nutritionist forever, lol.
I had gained, again. I expressed my frustration and my lowering confidence in the process. My part of our deal is that I be completely honest with him about my feelings, no matter what. He said that during October I was, or rather, my body was responding to the adjusted meal plan. I hadn’t realized that so it’s mainly been the end of Oct and this month. I’ve been having many lapses with my fibro: pain, pain, pain. He noticed that when my pain is elevated my body holds on to fat. To note: he measures fat and muscle rather then using the scale. Hmmm, I’ve been trying to keep my body image distress down but he interjected that overall stress contributes. Well pain = stress. I finally decided and started meditating. I know all the statistics but I used every excuse I could find to not do it. This week was better so it clearly confirms his assertions.
Over the course of the last month I’ve slowly been decreasing my activity. I have to get a grip on this pain. The last time I was at the ranch showed me that it was all the standing that was causing so much pain. I mean, it’s not like there’s sofas hanging out in the barns😝. So volunteering at the ranch is no more😟. Once I’m feeling better, that is, once my body has healed further, I plan on going out there, maybe walking a horse than practicing my guitar or something.
I’ve also been doing self-care more. I have difficulty on Friday nights so I decided to get a coloring book which calms me and doesn’t require any thought like crochet or art does. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I also started using a reminder statement: Discomfort isn’t dangerous; I have the will to bear discomfort. I continually reminded myself of that and it helped a lot. I also figured out the problem when I was reflecting on camping. When I went out to camp we would joke about how it took a couple of days to slough off the city so we could relax. My weeks are full of driving (1,000 miles), iOP, medical appointments, therapy, and guitar lessons. By Friday I’m wound up and exhausted. It’s an uncomfortable wind down to start the weekend. That’s why the above reminder is so helpful! Anyway, Friday was a success!
Last week at iOP someone had confronted me that they felt like because I was allowed to use the bathroom before dinner ended I was given permission to purge. Um….. Someone else thought that too. Well, wow…. I was using the bathroom early so after dinner I could get on the road as soon as possible since I drive 2 1/4 hours one way. I told her I was proud of her for sharing her feelings, something she struggles with. However, my brain went to work and I concluded that every time I use the bathroom people probably think I’m purging! 😳
Fast forward to Monday. It was 7pm (end of dinner group is 730pm) and I was suffering. When I have to go to the bathroom my body starts heating up. It was already uncomfortably hot in the group room so that plus my increasing heat triggered elevating pain. Typically with fibromyalgia, pain is exacerbated by heat. It’s pretty much why we all hide indoors in AC all summer. By the time we left I was so upset I stormed out. After everyone left I ended up staying and talking to the coordinator though. I realized a couple things. My behavior was that of a child. Also I need to regularly talk to my therapist or whoever about my medical conditions or they become burdens. I have overactive bladder. It’s so bad that I have an interstim implant, get botox injections in the bladder and take meds. Luck of the draw.
Things I’ve learned since: I’m still ruled by what other people think of me and I’m devaluing myself by putting myself in pain rather than avoid conflict.
My current plan: When I have to use the bathroom I will affirm that I’m an adult. If people have issue with it that is their issues to deal with. It’s none of my business what other people think. If my behavior is outside the limits of responsibility my nutritionist (director of the program) will address it with me. The reason I need a plan is that my symptoms will be progressively worse till my surgical procedure, botox injections, in December.
I’m so afraid of confrontation that I will bend over backwards to avoid it but that’s no longer working for me. Adults have conflicts and talk those conflicts through. I’m most certainly an adult!
Next. Yesterday I had pre-op for the December procedure. I’ve been very conscientious at the doctors when getting weighed. I explain that I’m recovering from an ED, that numbers set me off, stand on the scale backwards and then make sure they don’t give me summary paperwork, as it always has my weight listed. The first thing they do at pre-op is weigh you but this time he didn’t. Instead he asked if I was still ____ lbs. OMG! Not only was that unexpected but it’s a trigger number meaning that I can’t handle that specific number and higher. In the end he weighed me again (blind) and told me it was lower but not what it was. I was still quite bothered but got through it and headed home. I was going to stop at the store but almost got in an accident! Apparently my mind was obsessing on it so much I wasn’t paying attention. Yikes! I went straight home for the day and texted my nutritionist. He assured me he is doing what we agreed on by helping me with my weight. He said to sit with the feelings so that is what I did. The biggest feeling is that of betrayal. I had worked with another nutritionist for years who promised she wouldn’t let me get higher than my normalized weight. Well, I did and when I asked her she said that yes, I was a bit up. I felt betrayed and lost my trust in her. So yesterday I reminded myself that what happened was in the past and that my new person is willing to compromise so I can be comfortable. He told me today that he knows, from past experience, that if I’m above my comfort level it leads to ED behavior which is something that neither of us want. I thanked him for honoring my hard work.
Today, at group, I plan on sharing with the girls about my bladder issues . I think it’s fair that they know. And, in truth, I’ll need their support before and after the procedure.
On to better things.
Here are some amazing things I’ve been experiencing in recovery.
1. I’ve been reading a lot! I admitted to my nutritionist today that it really was the nutrition that was making he difference. He laughed.
2. I listen to audible books loads, with all my driving. The difference now is that I can maintain focus all the way through!
3. My taste buds are returning, after years of minimized taste. Not tasting food makes it super hard to eat no matter where one is in recovery.
4. I’m identifying skills and using them! I’m finding reminder statements that really help like this one: Rushing produces tenseness and tenseness produces symptoms. I seem unable even now to deal with anxiety once it is elevated but this is a great way to keep it from becoming elevated. I use it often.
5. I’ve adopted a positive attitude and find every opportunity to reframe my negative thinking into something positive.
6. Since I’m eating, my bipolar meds work and I’ve been level longer than I ever have. They’ve finally stabilized in my blood so no more tests or adjustments.
7. I’m sleeping.
8. When I’m out like at B&N or a coffee shop and start to feel tired or in pain I drop everything and go home to rest. I don’t ignore my bodies signals. That was probably one of the biggest obstacles to managing my pain.
I still have struggles, I still have anxiety and I still have pain. I still react many times rather than respond and I definitely still take things personally when they have nothing to do with me. The difference is that I’m aware of them and honoring myself for the work I’m doing.
Today…. I have value. 💖