Don’t faint, this is a positive update!

So much has been happening in my life like, you know, living it! Wow, who knew an eating disorder was like a black hole sucking more and more of my life in to it in a spiral of seemingly no return?! Looking back, that is how it seems at any rate. So on to the update. I was reading revivingemily‘s blog and liked how she did her periodic updates with bullet points: thoughts, feelings, happenings, and ramblings so I’ve decided to follow suit with the addition of a needs category. In an iOP group we had an exercise of examining what we need in life.

Thoughts

  • Oddly enough my obsessive thoughts have significantly decreased making my nutritionist right and me very, very wrong which is a good thing. As my body got more nutritioned the thoughts actually did diminish. They haven’t gone away and I suspect that will take quite some time if ever but even this decreases is welcomed. I ought to mention that they didn’t start diminishing till awhile after I left treatment. 
  • My brain is starting to work again, yay!! Although I still have difficulty with word recall and comprehension (fibro fog, etc mentioned in a previous post) I am able to communicate much better, have articulate thoughts and discussions. When I first came back to iOP I thought the coordinator, who was facilitating, was going to fall off her chair as I articulated precisely my thoughts and perceptions on whatever the matter was that we were discussing. I was even surprised like who is this person who’s taken over my body?

Needs

  • The first part of the exercise was listing things I deny to other people that I need. I want to share this since it’s what I made the ‘needs’ list from: I deny that I need: care and help from friends, for people to see I’m not capable all the time, for people to know I’m fragile, I need support emotionally and physically, I need to rest way more than I let on, and that I need verbal acceptance and validation. 
  • I need to accept myself so I’m not compelled to seek approval from others.
  • I need to honor my physical difficulties and no feel ashamed or embarrassed asking for help.
  • I need to be honest with myself with respect to chronic illness management. 
  • I need to be gently with myself and forgiving.
  • I need to trust my treatment team and work with them rather than against them as a way to develop trust in myself. 

Feelings

  • Before going back into treatment I was on an emotional rollercoaster. My therapist asked how I was doing, how my emotions have been since leaving and how I’ve been handling them. Well, that was easy – not at all. Looking back over the last couple weeks I realize that a fibro flare mutes most feelings. Between pain and utter exhaustion, really, how can one feel anything? What I did feel was like a whisper. Well, well, well… I woke up this morning finally out of the flare and feel way better. Everything was just, well, more alive. I’m a bit nervous for strong emotions but you know what? I think I can handle it now.
  • Anxiety – yes, absolutely, sometimes more, sometimes less and get this – sometimes not at all!! Wow, moments of no anxiety. Check this out… I’m facing a possible massive financial burden if the insurance doesn’t come through. It’ll take me at least 8 years to pay off. Finances have always skyrocketed my anxiety but this time I’m completely calm. If it happens I’ll deal with it, why pre-worry. I’ll fold it into my already rather large debt (from outpatient treatment) so what’s another $27,000? Wait a minute… who’s writing this blog? Where did Lexy go? I mean, if I read this a couple months ago I would never believed it was me! 
  • Body image – huge issue especially since my body isn’t cooperating. It scares me terribly…. no, not terribly, that’s exaggerated. It scares me and makes me quite uncomfortable. Is it leading to behavior? No. Am I tempted to go out and exercise? No. Am I tempted to go buy a scale so I can take control of the situation? No… no, not even that. I’m putting my energy into trusting the process as much as I dislike that phrase. I really am rather surprised at myself. Maybe I’m manic and all this will evaporate when my mood levels out, lol, but no, I’m quite stable. I take way too much medication not to be.

Happenings

  • I have a housemate, albeit temporary, and it’s been amazing. Let me say that again: amazing. We have meals together and do intentions for the day in the morning. We’re both in recovery so we’re also a support for each other. I am simply enjoying it all, especially binge watching Orphan Black every night we are home at the same time. I don’t have a lot of space and was worried about problems but it’s been so easy, even fun!  Woot!
  • I’m not back at the ranch yet. I have to sort what’s happening to my body first than I’ll work on a plan to get back. For now I periodically go and hang and leave when it’s time for chores. There’s one cat I’m giving serious thought to bringing home. 😀
  • Still going to iOP. I look forward to it now. 
  • Finally got over my grief of having to rip out 7 inches of rows on my crochet blanket and am now working on it again. Grief duration? 4 weeks. Prospective time needed to complete? 3 months…. okay, I give it that figure because the contest is in Feb. 
  • I’m finally accepting that I’m addicted to Plato’s Closet.
  • Hot flashes, insane… Dr said I shouldn’t have them so many years after going through the change. Well Doc, clearly that isn’t true. 

Ramblings

  • I am so tired of having color in my hair! After the whole blue hair thing I did try a normal color but I am so not a colors hair person. I like my salt-n-pepper color. One more buzz (next week) will hopefully get rid of it. Yes, still sporting the buzz and loving it! 
  • IOP is freaking freezing, like North Pole cold! There is one tiny office attached where a therapist works who is apparently training astronauts to deal with the freezing temperatures of outer space, sigh.
  • I have an iPhone 7+ and am on some kind of plan where I can trade it in for a new one…… hmmmm… must investigate!
  • I used to say that I hate people but to my utter shock and surprise I’ve discovered that I actually like them. Another “who knew?” moment.
  • I don’t miss treatment. 

I’d say that overall my life is going well. I’m fully cognizant that it won’t always be the case and that I have many trials ahead of me but right now, at this moment, I feel good. I’ll take it!

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