Getting the energy up to write this is difficult. Living with fibromyalgia is, at times, no big deal, at others…. taxing. I’ve been in a fibro fog for over a week now. Why? Because recovering from an eating disorder is difficult and stress inducing to say the least. I’ve not been on point with recovery. I’m managing my meal plan and even managing my activity level but I am most certainly not giving myself downtime. Okay, to be fair, I am doing some resting periods but to catch up I need a bit more and to continue management I have to allot more time than I have been. But here’s the rub. The optimal way to recover from a flare is to stay active. What? So I need to rest and stay active? What does that look like? I have no idea and I really wish someone would explain all this to me. Maybe I’ll make an appointment with the pain therapist for a one time session. She has fibro so might be able to help me with tips. Hang on…. okay, just sent her an email to see if I can come in. Chances are I will need a new consult and wouldn’t be able to get in for quite some time but I’ll think positive and hope for the best.
So what does a flare feel like for me?
I wake up feeling like someone beat me up with a baseball bat all night. Usually coffee helps for the morning but the caffeine is causing hot flashes so I’m going to be minimizing that. Once I get moving the pain decreases to a manageable level but then the exhaustion hits. The amusing thing is that I’m actually getting enough sleep finally (thank you tegretol!) My face feels like it’s drooping and I feel like I’m carrying this heavy backpack all day. Even though the pain decreases to a lower level, it is constant. I’d rather deal with a high level of pain that goes away than low level pain that doesn’t seem to end. That’s another thing… my brain telling me this is my new normal, that I will always
It also induces depression so even when I’m feeling happy, having a great experience, there is that nagging depression wanting to tug me down, keeping me on the verge of tears. Then there’s moments of relief! It all goes away and I think the flare has lifted, only to have it crush me again.
How do I survive it? From experience, I do know it will lift so that’s a bonus. I don’t know when but when it does I’ll feel like a normal person again. The pain will come and go, but there’ll be times when it isn’t there. I’ll feel tired, I always feel tired, but it won’t be exhaustion. Life won’t be an effort. Fortunately I’m currently having moments of relief so maybe relief will come sooner than later?
Through all this I must maintain my food plan, my skills for recovery, etc. Eating Disorder recovery is tough but recovery with fibromyalgia, bipolar, myofascial pain, misc other physical impairments is sometimes too much. When I was in the treatment program my assigned therapist said that, yes, it was a heavy burden. It was validation, validation I hadn’t even received in that context and I cried and cried. It is a burden, that’s true. It isn’t a burden I can’t carry though. I’m strong and good at figuring out how to make things work so that is what I have and am now doing for my life. It’s just hard with built in road blocks but I always think it can be worse. I’m lucky to only have this. I know so many people who have burdens that I don’t think I could come close to carrying.
So today, I’ll eat my meals, do manageable things. Repeatedly turn the AC then heat then AC then heat…. on. I’ve already pre-made my meals for tomorrow (iOP). I’m good. Maybe it’ll lift tonight…. one can always hope. Then I can go back to the simple things like feeling fat and hating my body.