Food

I just did a major food challenge: ate out at a cafe for lunch. What made it even more difficult was that they had run out of most of what were options for me to choose from. The saving grace was having learned how to make quick choices when we did restaurant challenges in treatment. The other saving grace was that I was with someone who understood because she’d been through this herself. She was a perfect person to have doing this. She encouraged me when I was ordering then said I’d did a great job and left it at that. We went on to discuss other things, taking the focus off the food. A small salad came with the sandwich I ordered and I don’t eat salads so when she asked if I needed silverware I said no. So naturally she brought me a set 😛.  She didn’t say anything, just started in on her lunch choice. I ate my sandwich and ate the salad. I did it. I’m not sure I could have if it was anyone else. 

I’m so full right now. She took off to do errands. I’m staying for iOP tonight so have a few hours to kill. Sitting in the cafe would probably just remind me of my discomfort so I’m sitting in the park across the street. I always have a small blanket handy and have a make shift pillow that I usually use to brace my knee when driving. I like to prop my foot up on the seat or cross it on the other leg. I know it’s a bad seating position if you get in an accident but I’d rather be comfortable over the long haul. I use the pillow between my knee and the door. It’s also a great pillow to sit on in the park. 😁 🌲 

The change in temperature and scenery helped actually. I still feel full but there’s so much stimulus from the wind in the trees to the sound of the cars going by that it’s working to redirect my thoughts. Wow, who knew??? 

Yesterday’s appointment with my nutritionist was difficult. I’ve had a difficult time this past weekend. I stopped drinking water again and started taking the long way around when getting places or parking at a distance at stores. That, plain and simple, is behavior. It’s exercise and I’m on exercise restriction. I was freaking out because I’ve been gaining weight! Of all the triggers, body image triggers are the worst!! Anyway, my nutritionist said I was gaining fluid, lots of it. Okay, he said 2 lbs but I think it’s more than that because my boots are too tight and everything is uncomfortable. After lots of talking back and forth he threw up his hands and said, “fine, let’s do an experiment. Don’t drink any water this week and keep walking the way you are.” I was like what? He said,”you obviously think you know what you’re doing!” Or maybe he said, “you obviously think you know more than me.” I can’t really remember. I told him that no, I don’t want to do it my way, that I’m telling him what I’m doing and thinking so he knows where my head is. I want to do it his way! I asked how much water he wants me to drink. 6 cups beyond the 3 cups of soy milk. He wants me to add salt back in and start taking my probiotic too. I stopped both because I thought they were causing me to gain weight. He then showed me the graph, which doesn’t lie. 

I also told him how I wanted to change the kind of peanut butter I have. I do 6 tbsp total peanut butter a day. 😬 I spent way too much time at the store looking at the labels of every single peanut and almond butter on the shelf! He said that if I hesitate with anything I want to buy, walk away and buy what I bought last time. All that anxiety and stress converts to cortisol which forces my body to hold on to fat. 

The advice he gave me was to do the opposite action of whatever my ED thoughts are telling me to do. So that’s where I am right now… opposite action. I think it might turn out to be one of the most helpful tools to help me. It’s easy to remember and I need tools that are simple. I’ve already applied it. When I stopped at a thruway rest area for a bathroom break I did the opposite of what I wanted to do which was park a distance away and walk. I parked as close as possible. 

Something else I’ve decided to do is to log my emotions around my food. I log all my meals for him. It’s kind of useless since I eat the same thing everyday. Logging what I do isn’t all that helpful since I tell him anyway. So like this morning, when I had my fruit I felt angry. Logged it. Later that morning I felt hunger which I normally don’t feel. I logged that it caused me a good deal of anxiety. For now I’m only logging the emotions. Down the road hopefully I can see a pattern and deal with it. 🤔

Back to my nutritionist. At the end of the appointment I told him I am, in fact, going to do an experiment. I’m going to do everything he wants me to do and see what happens.  It’s just one week. If I have to make a decision every week to do this then so be it for now. 

So yeah, I’m 53 and my life is about food. How humbling is that, no, not humbling… it’s embarrassing. 😒

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