So much has happened that I ought to have been writing everyday but there I am and clearly I haven’t. I’m thinking I’ll put the highlights…
I hadn’t mentioned in my last post the difficulties I had the evening of discharge day. As soon as I got home I got a call from a friend. Was it to congratulate me or wish me well for a challenging weekend or simply to let me know she understood the challenges of the first week after discharge? Nope. It was to update me on a drama that’s been going on for months. Stress, something I most certainly didn’t need. I realize now that the drama, and her constant insecurity of another situation contributed to the stress of relapse. No, it wasn’t her fault but perhaps compassion was needed. Fortunately I have another friend (thank you Carli) who has compassion to spare. I ended up having an extra Tbsp of nut butter which caused me weight gain fears and intense disappointment in myself. Ridiculous I know but recovery is still tenuous. I didn’t go further than that thank goodness.
Saw my psychiatrist who suggested a different way to take my Tegretol. I tried it Saturday, and today, success! I then saw my therapist to start processing. At that point I was still woozy from meds (hadn’t changed the way I took them yet) so struggled with the inevitable “how are you feeling” questions. She suggested I be gentle with myself, especially since I was heading off to iOP. It was art therapy that night and I was nervous. I’ve had previous posts about difficulties with the art therapist. The treatment program changed me though in many ways, giving me a voice as well as confidence in myself. I went in and surprisingly got along with her quite well. The prompt was about gratitude which was great since I had just started a gratitude journal last Sunday. Dinner was okay since I’ve had a month practice at the program. On my way home I was super tired so had to stop a couple of times to walk around the rest area, splash water on my face and so forth. In the end it was “dancing” in my car to loud music that got me through. Later I realized that taking the Lamictal and Tegretol at the same time = extreme fatigue so now I split everything up. Early a.m. Lamictal, later Tegretol, noon Lamictal, evening Tegretol, before bed Lamictal. Thank goodness for my iPhone alarms!!!
My nutritionist called to check on me even though he was on vacation. I talked meal plan stuff and later beat myself up for not asking for moral support, which was the whole point of him calling! I was tired when he called. About an hour later the reality of the program, discharge and my being on my own hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t stop crying and felt overwhelmed. I wanted to talk about it at iOP but it was skills training night and no one really wanted to know. Yeah, back to reality. I did talk with the coordinator, outside of group, about how to deal with drama person. She gave me a bunch of suggestions and this is what I finally came up with to say the next time I get a drama filled text: “I’m not sure if I mention it but I have a lot to process from being in the program. It’s emotionally and physically taxing. I know you’re going through some big things right now, and I really do want to be helpful, but I need to keep conversation on the light side for now.” Sound good? Yeah, not sure I’ll send it. I hate to hurt people even if it is only my perception. I’d rather sacrifice myself.
First thing that morning was a pelvic sonagram. One of my behaviors is not drinking water. My challenge is to have 2 cups a day. For this test I had to drink a lot of water, far more then the prescribed 4 cups needed for the test. It filled me up and feeling full is very triggering… When I got home I wanted to do a post, catch up on WP Reader, lots of things. I did none of them. I got a text from the ranch that they are going to put Romeo down next Tuesday. He’s the one who had a stroke last year. I love him to death. They put it off a week so I could spend some time with him. I went out and walked him a little, giving him lots of love, then groomed him. Grooming nearly wiped me out which showed me that even though I’m no longer in the program, my body has a long way to go to be restored. I also visited Chica, my favorite cat. After that I hung out with two of the people that are most supportive of my getting well. When we hang out we stand the whole time. It’s not like there’s couches strewn about a ranch. Standing burns even more calories, ones I couldn’t afford. When I got home I knew I should eat more but I couldn’t without consulting my nutritionist. I mean I could, he’d be happy, but I don’t feel safe if I veer from my plan. Later that evening though I ended up eating extra. My body was so depleted that it just happened and as a result, I purged. I felt like a failure. I don’t know if it was that or the meds but I passed out early and slept for 8-9 hours. I never sleep that long.
I got back on track. I was compliant but felt way over full at every meal, even snacks. I stuck with the meal plan as prescribed though. The library had a book sale, yay! I also got some how to watercolor and pastel books! I’m not an art person so this is a whole new adventure I’m looking forward to. Carrying all the books from my car to my home was utterly exhausting; I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. How humbling! I can hear the words of my nutritionist telling me to be patient, that it will take time to repair the years and years of damage I’ve done. Humbling to be sure. I did get a couple of chores done but ended up doing the couch/mindless TV thing most of the day. I watched the first couple episodes of an old show call The Outer Limits and tried out the British show Fry & Laurie which was hilarious. Both are staying in my queue. Oh, Laurie is Hugh Laurie, very young, way before he starred in House.
Finally doing an update! I’m hoping to get some chores done before I get too tired. But I have to honor my body and the healing process and rest. I’ve had an 8 out of 10 level pain every morning when I wake up. My neck is threatening to spasm several times a day. I thought the Tegretol was helping with the chronic pain but no, it was adrenaline from restricting, grrr. Anyway, I need rest! I need to heal! The one thing I know I will do is eat. It’s like I’m still in the program but at home: eat, eat, eat, sit, sit, sit. I feel massive, I think I’m gaining weight. It’s hard to eat but I can’t ever go back to the program. My insurance still hasn’t paid ($26,500 for both times I went) so they’ve told me next time I will have to pay out of pocket. If my insurance doesn’t pay, I will also have to pay for these past visits too. I’m not going to worry about it since it might all work out. Nevertheless, I have to recover!