Today is my first full day home! I feel like I haven’t been on here in ages even though it’s only been one week. It was such a whirl wind last week I can hardly remember. I have a lot to share, especially with my art therapy but I’m sitting here at the cafe before iOP and am exhausted so am just going to update about yesterday, discharge day.
Yesterday was my leaf ceremony. They have a big tree painted on the wall. When someone discharges they make a leaf for the person leaving and one for the wall. It doesn’t have to look like a leaf. It can be any sort of thing that is unique to the person or even a joke/inspiration between two people. Before the ceremony I met with my nutritionist which was quite emotional. I …. gave …. him …. my …. scale ……… gasp. Omg, it was so hard. We had talked about it last week and I agreed. It really was what precipitated this relapse. It’s hard to believe that just a scale could have so much power over me that I’d end up back in an eating disorder treatment program, but there it is. When I handed it to him… okay, that didn’t happen… when he reached over and took it from me I said that it symbolized my giving him control of my food and the numbers. Yes, numbers, I love numbers, everything about numbers. He won’t even share my body comp numbers, he knows.
Okay, the ceremony. To give you an example, I love space and so did another patient so he found a picture of an astronaut walking in space and said that it depicts the ultimate freedom. He also remembers me saying I’d do anything to space walk. He made a small version for the tree. Nearly everyone commented on my making them feel so welcomed when they got there. I hadn’t even been aware of that. If I saw a new person sitting waiting to do admission paperwork I went over, introduced myself and welcomed them. It’s what I do. It’s already stressful enough coming in, not knowing anyone. Then the staff all had something to say about my progress and growth. My nutritionist was there too which doesn’t usually happen since he’s only at that facility on Tuesdays. Normal discharges are Weds and Thurs. I felt so honored! He basically said I have way more work to do and keep moving forward so he doesn’t have to kick me in the butt, lol. After everyone is through speaking, I get to say something. I’m terrified of speaking in front of groups but did it anyway. One of the girls said that she saw my nutritionist start to tear up as I spoke. Like OMG, that felt like, I don’t know, like he really sees me and hears me, like he understands and cares which he does but cares enough for tears? Wow.
I’m thinking of what I said… hmmm. I started with my gratitude for the community and all the support I received and that I’d miss everyone and how each and everyone one had an impact on me. Then I talked about that the food is hard and that it is still hard. However, I realize now that it was the result of getting more nutritionally sound that I was able to become willing to keep working on this when I leave. The last thing I said was how I had to set aside my worry of what other people thought and immerse myself into the program, squeezing everything I could out of it. I think I said something else that led into my saying that I’m ready to discharge and I know I’m ready. After I was done everyone clapped and went back to what they were doing.
I thought I would cry all through it but I was scared to death so didn’t cry a tear! Or maybe it was that I had cried so much earlier that I was all dried up, lol, who knows. I stayed for lunch and to have a final appointment with the doctor then left. I was sooooooo exhausted since I was awake since 3am. The housing beds just suck, there’s no getting around that! Once I got home I made dinner and watched some TV, then snack later. Food, more food, and so it goes. Coming home doesn’t stop that!
This morning I woke up very disoriented. The room was all wrong and I couldn’t hear my roommates. I almost panicked but then slowly realized I was home, not at the program! This past weekend when I was on pass I ran into the wall at the side of my bed. My bed at the program is on the opposite side of the room so when I woke up and tried to get out of bed, wham. Too funny!! I suppose it’ll be a bit of an adjustment even though I was only there 4 1/2 weeks.
Oh, one thing many people said at the ceremony was, “Look at you, you’re eating fruit now!” I’m still eating it, it’s super hard but it’s easier than going back into the program.
Okay, that’s that. Lots of art therapy stuff to come. 🎨