Welcome back… what? What a wird thing to say but then I feel rather like that after yesterdays medication side effect adventure. First I’ll update about that then my week which was very emotional as well and encouraging and confidence building.
Bipolar Medication Debacle
I believe I wrote about agitated depression awhile back. I woke up Wednesday morning being in a dysphoric manic state (mix of depressive and manic symptoms), ugh. Fortunately the psychiatrist was there so I was able to get it all sorted. I knew I would have side effects if I took more than 600mg at night but never thought it would be like yesterday. I ended up taking the full 800mg, prescribed, Thursday nightbecause I forgot to bring my 200mg tablet to program to take at noon.
Next morning about an hour after waking, my equilibrium was so effected I was staggering and had to hold myself up using the wall the wall. I can’t believe I managed to get my laundry load into the dryer. I did it with a mix of staggering at a snail pace and crawling. That lasted awhile and then the nausea hit me. It was probably because I was trying to read and do paperwork. The letters jumping around the page didn’t help. I somehow made it to the couch and laid down and called for the RA who was sleeping on the next couch. I called her name 6 times but she didn’t wake up. I needed someone to just talk to take my mind off what was happening. I was intermittently crying and making myself take deep breaths to calm down. I don’t know why I reacted as such since I knew what was happening. I started talking aloud to myself, repeating what the schedule for the day would be. Eventually she got up and let me talk through what happened. At some point I was able to sit up. After having some soymilk (a couple hours later) I was able to drive to program. Once there it hit in waves slowly diminishing throughout the day. It was awful honestly. By the time I got home I was more or less okay but glad to go to bed. As I was writing this (right now) I experienced a tiny version of that but was able to cook my eggs and carry on. I’m still feeling a little woozy. I had decided to split the dose, oh this is Tegretol ER, so that this wouldn’t happen but it still is. I see the psych Wednesday so if it continues I can ask questions. I might just need time to get it into my system.
Wednesday is always treatment review. I was so nervous about what they would decide for my discharge. It was also the day I woke up with dysphoric mania. To combat that I took an antipsychotic which dropped me into a temporary depression. After an hour or so I was okay so I could participate in the program. The good thing is that it kept my mind occupied till review time.
Late afternoon I was finally called in. My program therapist went over my successes and difficulties. I was actually pleased with the achievements I’ve been making. Normally I never acknowledge my successes because it makes me think I’m a fraud in regards to the ED… I suppose you have to have an ED to get that, lol. The team had reviewed my plan and liked it. My nutritionist even commented that it was a great idea! Wow, I was heard and also validated! I feel so much more confident with discharge which put me in a good mood the rest of the day, that is till snack prep when I cried and cried over the food challenge. I can look back and laugh but never want to do that again! I still have a lot of food rules that are going to have to be dealt with after I leave. If I listed them all here it would take the whole post!
1. This weekend I am staying at the supervised living house. My challenge is to stay compliant in the midst of triggers and difficulties like too much stimulus. With the fibromyalgia I need to step back every day for quiet time to reboot. I want to be able to do this then come back out of my room to socialize. When I withdraw it turns into isolation which leads to behavior. This is why I asked to stay. I want to build confidence in myself that I can do this on my own, before I go home.
2. My friend from the ranch will be coming out Monday (it’s a holiday here in the US so the program will be closed). This will reconnect me to the world outside of the program. It will also challenge me to follow my meal plan going to restaurants. The only time I’ve gone out to eat is during Saturday program, supervised by staff. Plus I’ll have to eat my snack in front of her while she doesn’t eat. That is extremely difficult for me. So this whole weekend is basically a microcosm of the outside world.
3. Next week I will have 4 days in program to focus on skills, continuing to modify my medication, and planning post discharge activities.
4. Next weekend I’ll have a weekend pass to go home. I’m going to shop for my post program meal plan, set up my household like it was pre-program, clean house and also make my usual daily lists of things to do for when I go home. That way when I get home after discharge I can relax. Discharge plan: 12 Sept, Tuesday, discharge ceremony 11am, or maybe 12pm so I can have lunch (1230pm) before I head out. Home by either 2pm or 330pm depending on when I leave.
5. I made an appointment with my therapist the day after discharge so I could start to process. This is super important. It’s something I learned to do post surgery too. (C, you are welcome to do this with me, besides J, when you get home from your trip, if you feel it will help)
6. I will then go to iOP Weds and Thurs to immediately get back into my pre-program schedule before having to face the weekend. During this coming week I’ll be creating a more structured schedule for myself for the week after I leave since I am going from a structure 10 1/2 hour day to nothing.
Throughout this past week
I had good private sessions and groups, albeit hard with many tears, during this past week which helped me to sort things that are inhibiting forward movement. I felt positive at the end of the week despite my nervousness of this weekend.
I’m looking forward to getting home and catching up with all of you!