What a interesting weekend…. um, yeah. It turned out more or less like I expected, now that I reflect back. As mentioned we went apple picking on Saturday.
Oh wait, Friday night. I got some capsaicin from my doctor so thought I’d give that a whirl. Did I read the insert when I got it? Of course not! Why would I do something like that when trying out a new cream? Sigh… if I had read it I would have seen that you shouldn’t use it for at least a 1/2 hour after you take a shower and also that it’s the chemical in red hot chili peppers! 😳🌶🔥 After my nice hot shower I slather it, did you get that? Slathered it on my back and neck. I felt a slight tingling and went about my business. As time passed that tingling basically turned in to a fire breathing dragon!!! I had the RA take a wet cold towel to my back as I held a washcloth to my neck. That helped for a hot minute, excuse the pun. While having my evening snack I searched the university of google for information. It said it would take days to calm down. Yikes. Eventually I pieced together that if you use it everyday, it calms down in several days to two weeks, that is, unless you end up with a severe burn. Oh yay. Fortunately it did calm down after another 1/2 hour or so after the dragon scenario.
Next morning. OMG, I slept all the way through with no aches and pains. Sold! I haven’t checked if this is a stronger version of what you can get over the counter. I suspect it is since I got it as a script. I’m planning on using it again, sans slathering technique and post showering. Anyway, I mentioned all that because I was fine when we went apple picking. I walked along with everyone although I was concerned that this was beyond what I ought to be walking but the RA said to come so who am I to argue. I didn’t pick anything though… I don’t eat fruit for various eating disorder related reasons but didn’t know it turned into a fear of fruit. I did pick one apple but that was that. It was beautiful though. They also had flowers that could by picked.
A couple of us asked if we could go back to the restaurant we went to last week so we could have a second try at being compliant. Two of us did good, the third one restricted heavily which is probably one reason she is being discharged this week, preemptively. I told the other girl (the one who ignores me mentioned in previous post) that I was proud of her for challenging herself. This gave me hope that maybe we could get along… how silly of me. I was extremely full from that meal so went to the ceramics shop to take my mind off it and work on my project. When I got home the restricting girl ha gone home on a pass and the ignoring girl was, well, ignoring me so I stayed in my room crocheting the rest of the evening.
The next morning I tried to have a conversation with her which massively failed. I won’t bother with details. What it showed me though was I was still seeking approval because I still have a constant fear of rejection. The resulting behavior is that I want everyone to like me so I don’t feel worthless. Yuck.
Apparently this effected me more than I realized because I replaced my lunch with a (safe) protein drink. I then finished my ceramics project and came home. I can’t post a picture yet because, if you can believe this, the shop no longer carries a matte finish, only glossy. Seriously? The Weds RA has the finish so I’ll post a picture later this week. Once home ignoring girl was in the living room ignoring me, (this is sounding like a reality TV series) so I spent the afternoon and evening in my room. Netflix has some new movies so I watched them and powered through my crochet project. Movies: Devil’s Note and What happened to Monday? I liked them both.
There are some other issues going on with folks currently in the program which helps put all this more in perspective. Having issues with just one girl seems petty without context but there is only so much time and space when writing so perhaps I’ll explain fully later, after I’ve kind of sorted it in my head.
I didn’t do well with my meal plan on Sunday. I was hoping to gain confidence this weekend but instead of less. I will, however, end this post with my weekend successes. I feel it is important to homer the good, not just talk about difficulties.
1. I was mostly compliant on Saturday – a big success!
2. The group text (supposedly supportive but not really) I removed myself from, inadvertently bringing up feelings of being an outsider, was actually a positive because it is forcing me to find support outside the program. I called my friend from the Ranch and had a long talk. It was so good to touch base with “home” and with someone who truly cares about me.
3. I was able to identify some issues that need to be addressed, a well as fears, for my upcoming discharge. I have at least a week to figure things out and come up with a plan of action.