No weekend pass

Checking in with nutritionist

I asked several questions yesterday regarding the weekend. As mentioned in my last post we connect via text. I didn’t hear back for a few hours. I know he has a very busy schedule on Friday but still was quite anxious. I was glad for the delay though because it gave me time to realize I was doing what I always do – try to change things. I have lived alone all my life, ergo, been in control all my life. One of my aims here is to become a part of the recovery team who are trying to keep me alive and help me move forward. It is sooooooo hard for me to let go of that control though. My brain automatically defaults to change. I want to be in control, I think I know what’s best, I connive (sometimes unconsciously) to manipulate my meal plan for lesser calories and feel more safe.

Getting honest

I texted him back saying explaining I realized that and would abide by the treatment teams recommendation. He affirmed not to change my meal plan. He felt I would over extend myself at the Ranch. 

On Fridays we have what’s called Lunch Prep where we all help make a community meal. I don’t like eating anything but my meal plan so it’s hard for me. A dessert is also made (caloric level of said plan). I told my nutritionist that I won’t eat dessert when I leave so why should I here and asked if I could skip it. This is after agreeing last Tuesday that I’d do chocolate, which is safer albeit super hard, instead of what they were making. He said we’d talk next Tuesday about dessert, ugh. 

After the text I ended up crying, falling part and talked with staff. I honestly don’t know why submitting to the team, letting go of complete control, causes me to react like. I took the minimum servings of the lunch so was required to add soy milk. I had a scoop of soy chocolate peanut butter ice cream and managed 4 small bites. It was torture but I did participate with the help of another patient who was struggling. We did it together! 

Today

I think we are going apple picking for the Saturday program. I’ll watch. It’ll be nice to get some fresh air! I have chronic pain and am not going to risk causing undo pain. But then, it’s exercise so I want to. However, I’m on a activities of daily living only restriction……… I’m actually committed to abiding my exercise restriction so this is not as difficult as it may seem. 

We write our own meal plan for the weekend based on nutrition requirements (exchanges). I played it safe and have the exact thing every meal which concerned the staff in charge. She said I was going backwards but I explained that my goal was to actually eat everything so whatever way I had to do it, I was going to do it. That was that. 

Feelings

I still feel what? Hmm, crushed? Sad? Whatever it is after having submitted control. I’m having a hard time labeling it. Has anyone else felt that way and figured out what that emotion is? Visually I feel like a wilted flower. I hope my mood lifts soon so I’m don’t bring the others down. I have a difficult weekend to get through. Most everyone had a pass to go home leaving two of us. The other girl, although she said she likes me, will ignore me. I’m not imaging it. She ignores me in program and ignores me when we are at the house in the evening. I mean, it’s okay because I have to get used to being alone again but that constant walking away from me without even one word spoken of acknowledgment (like at meals), also walking away from me in the middle of a sentence when I’m talking to her brings up feelings of rejection even though that isn’t her intention. She said she’d go to ceramics with me… we’ll see when the time comes. Actually I did talk with her on Friday but actions speak louder than words. I have many others who are supportive and, again, have plenty to do by myself. 

This was much longer than I meant it to be, I apologize for that. The weekend has started so I’m off to eat breakfast.

Any thoughts?

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