Doing well but…
I have to admit I do feel a bit more clear, meaning I can think and communicate better. I now realize that when I’m doing poorly I lose my sense of humor although I’ve never thought of myself as funny. When I said that all the girls jumped in and said I was, in fact, really funny. Wow… um…. okay…. I have to admit that having nearly everyone I know say that I’m funny makes me feel really good. I’m just me; I don’t try to be funny or crack jokes or anything but people do laugh a lot. When people laugh I feel good. It’s such a stress reliever. So the fact that my sense of humor has come back is a sign that things are going in the right direction for my recovery-self. The ED-self is obviously panicking. Hmmm, you know what? I think it’s about time ED-self shares all this panic crap! I mean, I have loads of things that cause anxiety and start me toward panic so why does it always have to be “me”? I figure if ED-me wants to exist it has to share the anxiety and panic too, right?! …… alright, that made no sense at all. Maybe it makes more sense to let you know that I’m writing this at 5am, before having a full cup of coffee. Um yeah, coffee makes a big difference in making things coherent so feel free to read the above paragraph when you’re in an uncaffeinated state. It’ll make way more sense no doubt. 😛
I have to keep in mind that it’s only been two weeks when I say: Eating is freaking hard!!!!!!! I am so full all the time and uncomfortable despite all those enzymes I take at every single meal and snack. When I got here I was given a meal plan that The biggest challenge is re-introducing carbs. It’s funny how some people fear carbs, others fear protein, etc. For me it’s the carbs which is probably why I had so little brain function when I got here. My ED thinking thinking is that only my limb & torso muscles waste away which, for me, is an acceptable pay off for the muted emotions of restriction. However, the truth is that organs like the heart, brain, and so forth equally waste away and, with anorexia, we lose 1% grey matter every year, which cannot be corrected. Once gone, always gone. By the way, carbs feed the brain; no carbs = starved brain. During the nutrition class he shared a case study about this one 30 something year old powerful business woman, world traveler, who came in with so much brain deterioration she couldn’t walk to the program (from the supervised living house where we stay) without a guide. Eventually, post program, she was transferred to a mental institution to live out her days. She is still there unable to care for herself. That hit me so hard I cried during my private therapy session, cried and cried.
Anyway, I had another challenge, adding a veggie (sounds odd but I wouldn’t even allow myself that) and said he’d revisit adding fruit the following week. Eventually I realized I am eating far less than everyone else because I am not on a weight gain program. It made it easier but the discomfort of eating anything, the very act of eating, is still really hard. This past Tuesday he didn’t add fruit. The only change was to eat the crackers I like at snack since I defaulted to eating the ones I didn’t. I don’t know why I do that, I just do. The other is to add a glass of water. For some reason one of my behaviors is to stay as dehydrated as possible, I know, weird.
My thought about him not adding more challenges is that he’d rather I continue working on my motivation to eat than having to deal with constant change of food. I need to get into the habit of eating rather than have more reasons not to eat. I don’t know. I’ll ask him today. He is only in town Tuesday but checks in with us on Friday via text. Can I just say that I love that my nutritionist texts with us? It’s so convenient for quick answers which can be worked into both our schedules.
Today… this weekend
I’m staying at the supervised house again and attending Saturday program. I need to prove to myself that I can eat what is prescribed for me despite what other people are doing. Last week everyone had salads and I had a full size sandwich. I felt like they were allowed to restrict carbs/calories so I ended up not eating the bread because I compare, judge, compare, judge, compare, judge. Honestly, it’s exhausting. I am going to ask if I can go to the Ranch on Sunday so I can make a connection with home, making it easier to leave when discharged. Also, I never eat at the ranch because none of the staff there eat while there. Eating when others don’t feels intolerable so it’s another thing I need to prove that I can do especially when I spend hours there, or the whole day! (They live on the property so suspect that when they go back to their homes, they have a quick bite to eat. I just don’t see it.) I was going to stay here and work on developing skills but maybe this would be better: experiential versus intellectual.
Question; inquiry for help, thoughts
What was your experience of the step down process before leaving program?
What did you do to process/survive/manage post-recovery to reintroduce yourself back into real life?