Feeling better

I couldn’t stand the pain, anguish and crushing loneliness any longer. I asked the RA (house supervisor) to come in my room to talk. I dumped everything, crying, ranting, getting everything inside me out: fears, disappointments, hurts, all of it. 

She helped me come back to, well, me. 

She invited me to get back on plan and make a real lunch so I did. I stir fried together brown rice, chicken, added soymilk and some margarine plus cayenne to add a bit of spice. It was a huge amount. I realize I’ve been shrinking my amounts again which is why this seemed so big. It was more rice than I needed so I counted it toward the carb I skipped earlier at snack. I also added another tbsp of margarine to make up for earlier. It took a long time but I ate it all. 

The other girls came down and it was okay. There’s just one who treats me like I’m beneath her. Honestly I probably am, after seeing her Facebook pics but who cares? I like being a down to earth kind of person. 

I also had to let go of my diagnosis. It’s always been anorexia but I just saw on my treatment plan that it’s been changed to other specified eating disorder which makes sense since I’m coming in at a normal weight. I have to, at some point, let go of anorexia as an identity. I am not an eating disorder, I’m Lexy. I’m a person trying to find her way in the world, trying to find the path into her own heart. 

All anorexics end up as other-specified on the way to recovery so that means I’m moving forward, not backwards. 

I ate that meal because I wanted to, not because I had to. I’m proud of myself for that. Maybe it was a one time thing but if I could do it once, I can do it again. 

There is a small day room in the house that is filled with windows and light. I’m sitting in it right now. I’m going to do some drawing, crochet, and whatever else I want to do. Geez, I’m tired of being morose. I’m planning on enjoying the rest of the day. 

☀️ ☀️ ☀️ 🏡 ☀️ ☀️ ☀️ 

One thought on “Feeling better

  1. so much good stuff here.

    first of all, you fried together chicken and rice? that’s a win! proud of you.

    i love what you’re saying about letting go of the disorder and being the person. i feel attached to my diagnosis (and by diagnosis, i mean, the one i give myself, not what’s on my paperwork because that i don’t know). but i’m also trying to find other things that can define me, like my interest in art.

    oh, and that girl is not above you. i understand how you can feel that way. i feel that way often. but we’ve gotta remind ourselves that no one is above or beneath no one.

    big hug!

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