Comparing time 

I compare, it’s awful. Why can’t I mind my own business? I compare body size, I compare food, I compare illnesses, I compare life. The worst part of beginning treatment is comparing estimates time for discharge. One girl is here for 12 weeks, another 8, etc. the girl that came in the same day is me got an estimate of 10 weeks. What did I get? 4 weeks. I ought to be happy. One week is already done so 3 weeks to go right? This happened last time and I left after 6 weeks. I was not even remotely close to being able to manage on my own but they think I’ll be good in 3 more weeks even though every single meal is a terrible struggle. Who knows, maybe I’ll be good by then. After all, this is just a tune up, right? Of all the people I’ve met from last time to this time, I’ve never known anyone to leave sooner than 8 weeks except me. I know it’s because they have confidence that I’ll spring back and get on track enough to continue in iOP but it’s hard to not think that they just want to get rid of me again. Who can blame them? 

My greatest fear is already happening. They do IFS at this program. I didn’t do it last time but jumped in this time. I feared though that I’d just get started and be kicked out. Well, guess what? I had one session last Thursday which was super intense. Next week the IFS counselor will be gone so I may or may not get an appointment the week after that. She also is the intake person so will be busy with that since a lot of people are leaving this coming week. Then they’ll boot me the following week. I’ll be eating but still sick in my thinking and emotions. I don’t want to come back a third time. Or fourth. Or fifth. 

I know, I’m being paranoid and also feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I’ll be completely well in two weeks. What do I know?  All I know is that I wish I hadn’t known. It’s not helping with my depression. 

This is my first weekend and I have to be compliant. I mean I don’t have to but I want to in order to prove to myself I can. 

Rationally I know the reason they get more is because they are on weight gain plans and fortunately I’m not. The only thing they want for me is to start eating. I really should be happy. So yeah, come on… be happy…. try…. 😞
….. and yes, this confirms that despite my body comps, I’m just not sick enough for treatment. If my insurance doesn’t come through, I’m going to have to foot the bill for this so maybe it’s a good thing. I already paid a large amount to cover the supervised living. That was a surprise. Thank goodness for credit cards or I’d be staying in my car right now. 

I’m not happy. I am finally aware of how (supposedly) sick I am and now… what…. I’m thinking what’s the point of it all. 

2 thoughts on “Comparing time 

  1. oh darling. i totally understand what it feels like to compare discharge times. it’s hard, but please, try to remember we are each on our own unique journeys here. and try to trust in the professionals? they do not want to get rid of you; they are just doing what they think is most effective. anyway, i know (from my own experience) it’s nearly impossible to fight these thoughts… sending you strength.

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