leaving on monday

After a whirl wind of phone calls on Friday, the intake coordinator said to just come on Monday, 11 am. I don’t have the insurance authorization yet but she is hoping they’ll confirm Monday or at latest, Tuesday. She has a lot more confidence than I do but than she’s been dealing with insurance her whole life and is very, very good at her job.

I’m so relieved to go even if I have to turn around and come home, at least I’m taking some action and given a chance.

I’ve been doing what I could of the meal plan and feel guilty that I haven’t managed all of it. It really isn’t a lot and would go a long way in making the transition, once there, easier. Oddly I’m ambivalent about the fact that I’m still losing weight. It isn’t much but it’s steady and daily. Last time I went to treatment I felt I had to lose as much as possible to prove I was sick enough to go. It’s so different this time. My goal weight is 5 lbs higher than what I am now. I want all this to stop. I get up in the morning, step on the scale, write it down on my dry erase board, put a smily face next to it and walk away. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, my feelings are diminished to the point of having the sense of feeling nothing. I’m following a routine out of habit. Having said that, every morning I wonder why I don’t put the scale away. It’s the reason I’m not compliant. It’s why I slid down so fast, if I’m honest. Me and scales just don’t get along. My team knows that, I know that but I bought one anyway. I was lying to myself. I’m not lying now.

Thursday I asked for a few minutes extra time with my nutritionist. I needed clarification on a few things. I use the science part to stay on track and he is more than willing to explain it all to me. I also asked why he was so concerned (more than usual). He said my numbers were significantly different from previous weeks. In other words, I was on a steady decline but this past week it was off a cliff.

That makes me sad. I just want to get there and get well. I’m so motivated despite feeling so ambivalent; that’s just the depression and malnutrition no doubt. I hope that because of that it will only be a couple weeks. It really depends on how well I do over the weekends. That will be my responsibility.

I’m hoping to get to the Reader and catch up with everyone this weekend. I’m just so tired, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. All I can do is lie on the couch and stair at the TV. I do apologize. I’ll have internet access and loads of time to catch up when I get there.

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