There’s still a thread

The results of my assessment last Friday are that Sol Stone will be a good placement for me. I found that out Tuesday. 

Let me back up a little. By Monday, when I was told I’d get the call, I had convinced myself that I would be denied, I wouldn’t be acceptable, I wasn’t sick enough, etc. I waited all day Monday but no phone call. Okay, maybe she was busy and would call me late in the afternoon like last time. No. I finally went to iOP but couldn’t concentrate. I was so distraught. I knew in my rational head that I would get a call at some point. The iOP coordinator assured me she would call me one way or the other. I couldn’t take it. I was happy when sleep overtook me. 

I did get a call Tuesday morning after I left a message saying that I understood they didn’t want me but would they at least let me know so I could figure out what to do. I’m such a dufus sometimes. She explained that she needed blood work and an ekg plus needed to talk with my insurance since they hadn’t paid for my previous stay. Wow, freaking insurance!!! That’s still the hold up. She said that if she’s able to work that out I could be admitted this coming Monday. I doubt that’ll happen though, knowing my insurance, but one can hope. I’m not pulling out any suitcases yet. 

I went to the doctors and got all the blood tests, the urinalysis, and the ekg. The ekg was abnormal but, as far as I know, not due to anorexia or anything. It’s just one of those “normal abnormalities” if that makes sense. My doctor hasn’t called me so I’m not concerned. She is all about “just in case” tests so if she’s not concerned then I’m definitely not concerned. 

I talked to the program billing person this morning (Wednesday). She said she did get ahold of my insurance and resubmitted claims for my last admission. The intake coordinator is still talking with them about this admission so who knows. I won’t hear from her till tomorrow at the earliest. I’m saying there’s a 50/50 chance at this point. It is what it is. 

Right now I’m waiting to see my nutritionist. The good thing is he’ll be my nutritionist if I get into treatment. I started off well after my last appointment but haven’t been consistent. I’m not happy where I am. I feel like all that is dear to me is receding away, faster and faster. I was hoping to get into treatment before I reached this point. Last week I told him how scared I was and now I’m not anymore. I’m just floating, not caring. Fortunately it hasn’t consumed me. There is a strong thread that still wants to get better. It was that thread that helped do a project for my therapist. She said to draw or write what healing looks like. Actually, as is usual, I forgot the prompt and did something else. I like to do collage to express myself in these kinds of things. Oddly enough I can suspend all thought and rationale when working on these types of projects. I cut out words and pictures that just seem right then put it together till that seems right. It’s only after that I can see what I’ve done. 

This is more reflective of what I would like my life to be, different than eating disordered. 

I had many more words but was only able to do these. It’s simple and manageable and believable. My therapist asked what parts of it are in my life currently and that’s when I realized that things like the horses, knowing what’s important, friends and such are slowly fading away. I was here and they were here but now I am here and they are there. I want to get into treatment before it becomes I am here and they are gone. 

1/2 hour later

Just saw nutritionist and he gave me a meal plan to follow, hopefully a manageable one and told me that if I get worse they will consider a higher level of care beyond Sol Stone. Can I be that bad? Well, I look no different on the outside (except weight loss) but I presume my body comps are in the bucket. What did he say? Sliding straight down hill. My intention for this appointment was to hear him and trust what he says so I’m going to do that. 

Till iOP starts I’m going to enjoy this. 

Any thoughts?

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