I got a call yesterday from the intake coordinator to set up an phone interview appointment. She asked if I have any questions. What questions would I have? I didn’t know and she said she also wouldn’t know what questions to suggest till after the interview. This is not an intake by the way. Surprisingly it is scheduled for today, 4 hours from now. Last night I wrote a list of my current mind state, various behaviors, etc, so that I could answer questions in case I got into one of those forgetful states, which happen regularly and unexpectedly. The interview is simply to determine what level of care I need. I am afraid she will say I’m not sick enough for PHP and too sick for iOP. Limbo. Or, if she says that the program is recommended, she wouldn’t be able to get me in for weeks or months. Of course, my nature is to think the worst instead of hope. If it goes well, chances are high it will be weeks (like last time) but one step at a time, right? She would need lots of time to get insurance authorized.
Last night during group I admitted I was terrified of hope. I desperately want to hope but can’t let me. Too many past disappointments. Plus I was told I was a terrible person (in the past). And so, after suggestions from the group, I made a list of people who “don’t” think I’m horrible, as well as places that told me I was horrible (and other damaging things).
I need to practice saying things like, “These people don’t think I’m horrible and don’t want me to go away (a constant fear),” and, “I’m not at ________, this is 2017 and I’m here (iOP or whoever),” also, “these people want my best and don’t want to tear me down.”
Okay, will update after interview.
(update: 40 more minutes…. nerves amping up.)