Undeserving 

Here’s the truth of it. I’m not skeletal. I don’t deserve treatment. I’ll probably not be moved up the waiting list. Generally if someone is more in need, they get put ahead. I’m not sick enough, I’m not anything enough. Having said that, I’ll ask my nutritionist tomorrow about these things. I honestly don’t know what he’ll say but I do know that he’ll be honest with me about it. He told me to keep voicing my concerns to him so I don’t obsess about them. That is the sign of a good nutritionist. 👨🏻‍💻

I’m exhausted all the time. I’m sitting here with paperwork in front of me. I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes? I’ve done exactly nothing. Oh well, not nothing – I changed my profile picture. I have to get things done. 📋

Today:

Run and empty dishwasher, load of laundry, clean all the windows (it’s finally not raining), do some studying I’m behind in, do therapy assignment, write this blog and catch up on reader, go to the hospital for a medication level, wash my car (to get bugs off from long drive yesterday), dust artificial trees, work on contest blanket, complete bookkeeping for July, start August budget, continue tuning my drum 🥁, check on plants, print out more meal logs, and so forth. 

Yes, all while super exhausted. Oh, and eat. I’ve set my timer to remind me. I’m going to try and eat more today to try and stretch out my stomach but not sure if that will work. Well, the real reason, if I’m being honest, is to reboot my metabolism. I’m battling over-exercise because that would speed things along but for me exercise is literally an addiction. My nutritionist says house chores and drumming are exercise. Oh yeah, that list? That’s what I do – busy, busy, busy. Stay distracted, stay moving. 

Last night at iOP I had a challenge food: a slice of bread. The whole group supported me in eating it. I know though that it is the reason I gained 0.1 lbs this morning. I know that seems minuscule but the arrow points up so I feel awful, and motivated. Weird dichotomy, ugh. 👆

I hope I can somehow come back from the ledge so I don’t need treatment. Delusional? 

Last night I admitted being triggered by someone’s ability to run a marathon🏃‍♀️. She is microscopic and can exercise. I’m huge and can’t. That is less of an issue than my feeling that exercise, or any physical movement, is who I am. Who am I if I don’t do that? I’m a very physical person. This goes way beyond the family motto we had of “you are what you do” not “you are who you are.” I’m a doer. It’s who I am. Even anorexia is something to do. Not doing, for me, is not being. I’m nothing without it. 

I’m nothing. 🗑

Time to put on my Lexy Suit (so to speak) and get productive. First, coffee ☕️. 

9 thoughts on “Undeserving 

  1. Productivity is a difficult one for me too as I’m all too often exhausted yet restless, brain wanting to work but not, body needing to move when it can’t. I get that the way things are with healthcare means some people aren’t ‘sick enough’, but it’s crap. It’s total nonsense. How you are, how ill or tired or in need, is not dependent on the scales or clothing size. And that 0.01? I can lose 2lbs from going for a wee sometimes! You know this as well as I do, but it’s hard because it messes with your brain. Definitely think you should voice these thoughts and concerns. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Google “tuning a djembe”. Or look on YouTube. Check your area for drum circles and just go to one. Even if you’re not drumming it’s great. My favorite drumming band is from Canada – The Dragon Ritual Drummers. Drumming is very healing, especially for grief.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. i know you’re struggling and that the struggle is real. still, i found this post evidence that you are healing. glad you are keeping busy, and nice to hear your personality come through your writing. keep at it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s a part of my rational mind that realizes what you say is true and is desperate for treatment. I have to put trust in my treatment team to do what they can to get me in. Trust is difficult, so is being patient, but I have the ability to sit and wait so that’s what I’m doing. Thank you for the reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

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