Me, now… like this morning sitting here at my computer
I’m so tired…. no, that’s not right. I am filled with a constant antsy feeling. I keep feeling like if I go for a walk or do some jumping jacks, anything, it will help but I’m honoring the exercise restriction. It’s torture. I’m trying to remember if exercise even helped with that. I asked my nutritionist why I feel this, he said it is because my brain isn’t being fed. It’s hard to see how a malnutritioned brain can make me antsy and fidgety. Wouldn’t it make me lethargic? Maybe it’s because medication keeps me from depression? At least I’m getting a lot done like house chores and little tasks that have been adding up. That’s the upside. The downside is lightheadedness but seriously, that is better than feeling. I was trying to explain to someone recently what anorexia is. I discovered that was hard when I’m in behavior. I do remember telling her that behavior gives me that sense of calm. I called it “being buddha” (ohmmmmmm). It is so true and untrue at the same time. Can anyone identify?
I’m on the waiting list. Didn’t realize they had a waiting list but I suppose that makes sense. They can’t even give me a time estimation. A girl just came into iOP last week from there. She said a whole new group just started so that means weeks, maybe months. What do I do? I asked him that. “Do I just hold on doing the best I can?” Rhetorical question.
I told him about my weight recorder app. It has my morning weight in huge font on an orange background… loud and quite visual. I look at it multiple times a day. Why? Does it give me comfort? Is it to calm my anxiety? Is it just an addictive behavior that goes along with all my other behavior? I told him I don’t want to die and want/need to get treatment before I decide I don’t want to recover anymore. Right now I want to recover! However I know, from past experience, that the slow mental progression of experiencing malnutrition is giving in, no longer carry, apathy and a loss of will to recover. That is probably my greatest fear right now.
One of the gals was putting a table cloth on the table. I was sitting at the end and hadn’t noticed till the crinkly part was intruding on my space. My anxiety was, unbeknownst to me, very high so I freaked out, jumped up and pushed my stuff on to the floor. Thank goodness the facilitator was there. This was before group started. She asked what happened before I got there and I the waiting list thing hit me. It takes a while for things to file in. Wow, I just started crying. It all felt so hopeless. I mention this because at meal group she suggested I share this with the group. Didn’t want to because I didn’t want to trigger others. I know that when someone is doing poorly it can make other EDs feel guilty about doing good and send them into a tailspin. She pointed out that once again I’m putting others ahead of me. I did share and broke down crying; I mean head in hands crying. It was absolutely horrible and I am now utterly embarrassed going back tonight. I don’t know how it helped and I don’t know how anyone can offer support. I’m a mess.
Therapy, a positive
I’ve had difficulty with comprehension for a very long time. In the late 90s I had a partner who drank, drank heavily. In order to not be abandoned I drank too. I’m not a drinker and once I left her I stopped but while there I drank an unbelievable amount of whisky. I had put myself in a 3 month alcohol program to escape. I felt so guilty, a fraud, because the other people were there to, you know, quit drinking. I had an eating disorder, I didn’t need to drink but I did need to get away. While there though I lost my ability to read. Yeah, I know… and yeah, it really happened. It took a year to get it back and my comprehension has been effected ever since. I’ve been faking it all this time but had forgotten about that and thought it was just me. I finally explained my frustration in a way that my therapist knew exactly what was going on. Her son was unable to explain his math work. He could see a complicated formula than write the answer. He was unable to show his work. He had to find a workaround and that is what she said I need to do. It explained so much! I realize that all this time, in treatment, I’ve been white knuckling it. I had no clue what the “tools” were no matter how well they were explained. She gave me a couple of suggestions to help and will try those today. I asked the coordinator for the handouts so I could look over them, with all this in mind, and start to figure out how I can understand that (before group). Maybe being on the waiting list is a good thing because I can hopefully figure out how to do a workaround so I won’t be confused in groups like I was last time and like I am now. The confusion of not knowing leads to panic (anxiety then anger then shame) and more tears because of the frustration that I used to understand but now I can’t… and didn’t know why. I thought I broke my brain. I guess I did but it doesn’t mean I can’t create new neurons.
Wisemind (DBT skill)
Never understood this for as long as it has been explained. She explained that it is a blending of emotional and logical/rational mind. Illustration here. I am 100% in the rational/logic so yeah, can’t possibly understand. I replace emotions with the ED. She said that, for as long as she has been seeing me, whenever I start to feel I immediately squash it down turning it into a rational thought. Emotions are chaotic. I feel safe in logic and structure. I can’t imagine existing any other way. This revelation was also a relief. Not that it is healthy but that it is an explanation.
Can anyone relate to this? Comprehension issues? (for me: difficulty with poetry, quotes, having to skim books to understand but than losing it afterward, etc)
Are you more comfortable in emotions or rational mind, or are you able to blend the both and find a middle ground?
Antsy versus lethargic?
Obsessed with order, structure, sameness. (in regards to anorexia, I will eat the same food over and over without end. Having to make choices… no thank you.)