Mucking stalls / picnic / getting honest about me

So yeah, my dad and I have a unique relationship. We are both fixers and doers. When he emails, he has pictures and what he fixed, what he used, etc. All of it is usually unconventional with some humor tossed in. I do the same. So naturally, I took pictures of me mucking stalls at the stables for him. 😁

I just added them to my stables page but here they are as well.

Before you ask, of course I wear long dangly earrings there. I have a buzzcut. It’s required, lol.

Tonight we had a big picnic for all the volunteers and their families. I played corn hole (tossing game) with the other staff and interns which was fun. I even managed to eat two hot dogs (meat only, of course). I allowed an hour between each one so did okay.

The best part was helping with the fire. It was just us (staff, intern and me). I’m not really a big crowd kind of person. John said to hell with it and put a gallon of gas on the heap (logs, old wooden ladders, everything) then made a line with the gas to where he stood and lit it. 😲 I was just turning back to the fire and it went up about 10 feet with a huge whooshing sound. It was probably about 6 feet in diameter. It was hilarious. It literally blew my top up. πŸ”₯ The rest of the evening I threw logs on and tended it and was officially dubbed the fire tender by one person and pyro by everyone else, πŸ˜‚. Too funny!

It was a good finish to the day. I had a good heartfelt conversation this morning with my friend Carli who gave me lots of support. I ended up texting my nutritionist and admitting to him that I was lying and minimizing and that I’d do the best I could this weekend but it wasn’t going to be betterΒ like I had promised.

The other thing I did was start writing a list of all my ED behavior. I used to do this but stopped at some point; not sure why. Anyway, I write all my behavior and read the list to him at my appointment. Even if we only addressed one thing, it was helpful to sayΒ it in order to stay accountable. I need to start doing that again. The list is sadly quite long but not as bad as it used to be. It felt good to start pulling myself out of denial and get honest about what’s happening.

I was hesitant about going to this thing tonight but I’m glad I did. I did good too. Several times I just walked away from everyone so I could get my barings. Also, I only talked with those I work with at the stables. I knew that, at this point, if I tried to be social, it would stress me too much.

So yay, now it’s time for bed. One of the things on my list is sleep. I’ve been getting great sleep with the new medication but when I’m restricting it takes 1-3 hours to fall asleep. Hopefully tonight will be different because of tossing logs around. πŸ‘

Tomorrow: mucking stalls, feeding and grooming horses, helping out with a group coming in the afternoon. My nutritionist said the only thing I can do is the ranch. No camping, no anything. So I’m going to enjoy tomorrow as much as possible.

2 thoughts on “Mucking stalls / picnic / getting honest about me

  1. Yay so great to hear about the mucking out! I miss the satisfaction of mucking out a stall and making up a sweet clean bed after πŸ™‚ I wish I’d taken pictures of my progress because I was not great in the beginning but became better and five times faster by the time I left. I hope your dad liked the pictures πŸ™‚ it’s good to hear you talk about being honest with your team; you deserve the freedom and energy to live your life and anorexia won’t allow you either xx enjoy today! I’m off to work too but just in the art gallery xx chat soon! Em

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