Okay, let’s get honest. I seem to have been living in excuse-ville. I am a very honest person but anorexia is not. It is manipulative and minimizes everything. My nutritionist has heard it all. I went on and on at my appointment, minimizing and defending my behavior, when I should have started with, “what do you think?” I finally did ask and he said I need to go back to treatment. I told him that if the insurance person can guarantee my being able to come back to iOP, I’ll go.
Let’s get real.
- I want recovery.
- I want to live.
- When I start thinking I’m not thin enough for treatment, I need treatment.
- This place is an extended PHP (meaning 10 hours a day) so I can still empower myself by taking responsibility for compliance on the weekend.
- The scale has become a huge wedge between me and my nutritionist.
- If any of my friends were in my position I’d tell them they absolutely need treatment.
So there you go. He’s going to call the insurance person at some point, who knows when. It’ll probably takes weeks, maybe months, if it is even possible. Everything in me wants to press forward and get compliant so I don’t have to go. Yet, I’m beginning to realize I’m a wee bit (minimizing) trapped.
I want to apologize to all of you. This is supposed to be a recovery blog. My intention was to be moving forward in a journey of physical and emotional recovery. I’m a mess though and this blog has become nothing but recovery/relapse/recovery/relapse/relapse, relapse.
If I can get into treatment I promise this blog will be what it was. I’m not religious so don’t do prayer but would value any that you might offer. I follow a couple of other blogs of people waiting… perhaps we can all encourage one another to stand strong till we hopefully, eventually get into treatment.