honesty

Okay, let’s get honest. I seem to have been living in excuse-ville. I am a very honest person but anorexia is not. It is manipulative and minimizes everything. My nutritionist has heard it all. I went on and on at my appointment, minimizing and defending my behavior, when I should have started with, “what do you think?” I finally did ask and he said I need to go back to treatment. I told him that if the insurance person can guarantee my being able to come back to iOP, I’ll go.

Let’s get real.

  1. I want recovery.
  2. I want to live.
  3. When I start thinking I’m not thin enough for treatment, I need treatment.
  4. This place is an extended PHP (meaning 10 hours a day) so I can still empower myself by taking responsibility for compliance on the weekend.
  5. The scale has become a huge wedge between me and my nutritionist.
  6. If any of my friends were in my position I’d tell them they absolutely need treatment.

So there you go. He’s going to call the insurance person at some point, who knows when. It’ll probably takes weeks, maybe months, if it is even possible. Everything in me wants to press forward and get compliant so I don’t have to go. Yet, I’m beginning to realize I’m a wee bit (minimizing) trapped.

I want to apologize to all of you. This is supposed to be a recovery blog. My intention was to be moving forward in a journey of physical and emotional recovery. I’m a mess though and this blog has become nothing but recovery/relapse/recovery/relapse/relapse, relapse.

If I can get into treatment I promise this blog will be what it was. I’m not religious so don’t do prayer but would value any that you might offer. I follow a couple of other blogs of people waiting… perhaps we can all encourage one another to stand strong till we hopefully, eventually get into treatment.

11 thoughts on “honesty

  1. Please do not apologise, not to us or yourself about this blog. You are being incredibly strong, open and honest here, and that means far more and is far more important than making this a positive, ‘hurrah I’m in recovery’ blog. Sending hugs your way..xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There is no need to be sorry at all! We all know what your going through and you are very strong brave and you are fighting it. You are. It may not feel like your making any progress but every step even if just tiny is a step forward. And being open and honest is a step. It gets all your feelings out there xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with everyone. Your honesty is helping you (firstly) and us too. Don’t feel like you need to censor yourself, your honesty is what draws some of us here and is a big reason (if not the only reason) I started seeing my nutritionist.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. People beat me to it; no apologies needed. You said “this is supposed to be a recovery blog”…and the thing is, it’s clearly a recovery blog. This, exactly what you’re talking about, is exactly what recovery looks like. Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. Recovery isn’t linear, isn’t a straight line to some magical place at the top. It is the trajectory of your journey that matters and it def sounds like your trajectory is going in the right direction.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. glad to see all the encouragement here. sorry to read this late, but adding my love to the mix. you are very brave. going back to treatment does not mean you did anything wrong. this is just your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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