I haven’t done a general update for quite some time, so here it is.
1. I stopped playing the guitar. I couldn’t afford the lessons anymore but even before that I was practicing less and less. I needed a fully active brain and mine was basically mush. I mean, even when I’m totally compliant, it’s still mush because I have so much going on. You see, with fibromyalgia I have to limit my activities and have adequate rest in between. Practicing the guitar would seem like rest but it isn’t. Perhaps if I knew how to play but at this point it was all scales and finger picking practice. I assume all the torturous practice leads to amazing playing… eventually. What works for me is mindless TV and crochet, sometimes a puzzle if my head is in it. Maybe next year.
2. Summer drum circles. Drumming burns calories and is considered exercise. I’m on total exercise restriction; enough said.
3. After quite a long time I am finally, finally back to crochet again – yay! I’m currently working on two blankets. One is for myself and even I’m impressed with the pattern, lol. The design is crocheted embossed trees. Once I’m done with at least one block I promise to post a picture. It’s the crochet blanket I am doing for myself. Oddly enough, I don’t like crocheted things! I love making them though but this particular pattern I love. The other blanket is for a close friend of mine. It is another kaleidoscope mandala blanket, similar to the one’s on my crochet page. Everyone is unique so it is a perfect solution to boredom. It’ll be a rectangle to fit his queen size bed. I’ll be working on both these till the fifth of forever probably. 😛
4. I wrote a testimonial for the ranch of how I got there, why I volunteer and what it means to me. The director read it on TV!! Originally she wanted me to come on TV with her. Nope! I’ve been asked to be on TV before, for the Coeio project. Although I write well, I suck at actually talking. I can talk in an intimate group, like in the program, or with my therapist or close friend but in front of people? In front of a crowd? On TV??? Yeah, I think not.
5. And on that note… my therapist asked if I’d be willing to come talk to her students and answer questions. In my mind I thought it would be maybe 6 or 8 people sitting around a table or something. Nope… a class of about 43. Yikes! However…. hmmm… it would be to help students learn so they can, in turn, help people like me, like us. I told her I’d be willing as long as I have the option to walk out if I find it too hard, or you know freak out. She’d be there though and she “is” my therapist.
Lots of happenings! Okay, moving on…
Culling Past Posts
OMG, I finally get to use that word in a sentence!
There are perhaps one or two people who currently follow me that read those past posts. Last summer, 2016, I decided to try AA but replace anorexia with alcohol, just so I would be accepted into the meetings, and it worked. I was accepted with open arms. The thing is, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t even drink and when I did drink, it was either socially or when I wanted to take a short break from the eating disorder. However, that stopped decades ago because guess what? Alcohol has calories so even if I wanted to have, say, a beer, I wouldn’t. Anyway, many of the posts were my trying to make the 12 steps work for me, trying to figure out how to have spirituality when I didn’t believe in god, trying to be honest and open. However, every time I said I was an alcoholic, meaning anorexic, I felt worse and worse because I was lying to everyone. Basically I felt that everything I said was BS, even though the content came from a real place inside me. I couldn’t take it anymore. My behavior was coming back and I couldn’t be honest about it or even get support. Eventually I did start telling people and all these loving, giving, compassionate people turned hard as cement and rejected me. I mean, it was so harsh it shattered me pushing my slightly downward spiral to a dead fall into relapse. I can see why they reacted as such but how could they constantly talk about how their life is one of service and then crush me. Wow. I had to delete every post that had anything AA in it. Unfortunately many, most of them were general updates as well, so those were lost too. I did leave some posts but it’s rather random if one reads through them. I’m not looking to have people read those past posts, I just need to have some kind of closure.
Some posts are relevant to explain current behavior or at least patterned behavior which is why they’re still available. I also had to remove all posts related to the zen practice I had attempted. That was too painful too. I had thought it was a way I could find peace but because of all my physical issues, emotional issues, and so forth, it cause way more harm then good. Interestingly, I have (had?) two friends who had both AA & Zen in common with me. They are still on my facebook but pretty much ignore me. I should remove them I suppose. Every time I see their names I’m hurt. No doubt they feel abandoned by me although I did try to reach out several times so, well, who knows. I’ve unfriended lots of people but I feel like a coward in this situation. It is what it is.
Whatever my reasons were to start this blog, it is now about my journey to move forward, to have a life, to hopefully find some peace, even contentment. I don’t want to just see the beauty of life, I want to feel it.
One of the original reasons to start my blog still remains. It’s the most important reason of all, and the basis of my motivation for the comments I leave on the many blogs I follow. In the early years of my ED I was alone. There wasn’t any media, internet, news stories, anything. I never knew anyone who recovered. I simply never knew anyone who has or had an ED. So yes, I was alone. I had horrible thoughts and feelings; I was confused and isolated. With trauma on top of everything else, I was in a place of great despair.
When I write, I don’t hold back, ever. I write exactly what I think, what is going through my head, my fears, my hopes, my failures, everything. Why? Yes, a part of it is to get it out of my head but the biggest reason is this: If even one person reads what I write and realizes that they are not alone in their thoughts, that they aren’t a freak or a horrible person, they they are, in fact, just a victim of trauma, ED, etc. like the rest of us, that these thoughts and feelings are shared. Maybe it will lessen the impact of it all. We are not alone. We are bonded by our struggles and in that bond, hand in hand, we can move forward.