Despair and then Hope

I’ve been referring quite often the ranch I volunteer at. I decided to create a page rather than a post. That way I can continually add to it. It can be accessed from the menu, or here.

Sunday, 2 July

Really dizzy this morning. I’ve been experiencing this regularly on Sundays. I thought it was med related but why Sunday and not other days? The only difference is that I stay at the Ranch now for about five hours. I’m also mucking stalls. It’s been okay for my back, oddly enough, probably because I do it slow and steady. Depleted? Yesterday I didn’t eat that whole time and only drank coffee. Dehydrated? I ate when I got home but lost it. I should always be careful when I eat after not eating for a period of time. You know, shrunk stomach and all. This really sucks. I never do well after a surgical procedure even when it’s routine.  It was hard to get back on track after anesthesia but I agreed with my nutritionist I would. But I didn’t. Was it intentional? Absolutely not. I have been moving forward with recovery. I was doing so well for the month. What happened? Too much stress? I saw my nutritionist Thursday afternoon then went to iOP that evening. My therapist had urged me to be open about how I was really feeling: darkness, etc. I did, I opened up. I was vulnerable. I bared my sole so to speak.

Week in review: stress from previous weeks’ procedure (with anesthesia) stress Wednesday last, severe pain Saturday, purged Saturday night, difficult therapy session Tuesday, another  procedure (more anesthesia) this Wednesday, another difficult therapy session Thursday morning, fearful anticipation of nutrition appointment (although it turned out well), difficulty getting on track day after procedure, vulnerable reveal Thursday evening. Purged Friday too, five hours at Ranch Saturday, another screw up Saturday night. Restricted through out. Hmmmm.  Okay, perhaps I ought to have made a list as I was going on and processed that in therapy. I was quite irritable with my therapist Thursday morning and argued with her. I didn’t know why but now it makes sense. The thing is, I’m never, never dizzy the next day, after ED behavior. Or maybe I was and don’t remember? I vaguely remember having a conversation where I was told that it’s because I’m older and my body no longer can bounce back, meaning, it is breaking down faster. Why don’t I remember these things?!

I just want to be free of all this! Or do I? My head says one thing but my actions say otherwise. It is utterly frustrating honestly. 😔I hate that all my posts are so morose too. I apologize to you for that. I have some absolutely amazing pictures from the ranch yesterday and planned on having a happy post. Perhaps I’ll post them after this? Perhaps tomorrow? I promise I will!

Wednesday, today (5 July)

I seem never to have time anymore! I wrote the above on my iPhone notepad while in between two other things. I went hiking yesterday, and a walk on Monday. I can’t even do those things anymore without (a) feeling guilty because I am on exercise restriction, (b) constantly thinking of how I can ramp it up to burn more calories (which is why I am on restriction), (c) knowing I am only hurting my body more, knowing my body comps that I will be getting today will show all the evidence of what I am doing, and (d) will make getting compliant even harder.

Instead of listing all my constant non-compliant behavior, I’ll update about me revelation and some hopeful intentions.

Monday at iOP during the discussion I realized that I want to live. When I was serious into behavior I admitted to being a coward and taking the long slow way out of life by just starving to death. But now… yes, I do want to live. I didn’t for a long time; I couldn’t find a reason other than for my dad. He has enough to deal with and this would crush him. But now, with the horses, I have found a possible new passion. I want to say it is already a new passion but I’ve learned to be cautious. Expectations for me lead to disastrous results – anorexia, depression, withdrawal, despair.

I’m meeting with my nutritionist this afternoon. I wrote everything, yes, every detail of my awful behavior. I find it is freeing, even a relief, to admit it all and get it out of me. Anorexia is ridden with secrets, all eating disorders are. If I’m not totally honest with him, I’m hurting me, not him. Also, he simply won’t have the data to be able to help me where I am right now. I’m planning on leaving right after I post this then will catch up on blogs when I get there. I find sitting in the cafe far better since I have no distractions. Maybe I’ll go sit in the park across the street! 🙂

Eating dinner (at iOP) will be terribly difficult, just as it was on Monday. I’ll do it though! We have an hour and I just have a sandwich. Tomorrow I intend to get back on track! I know how hard it will be. I won’t be home much. 10am therapy then off to iOP. He won’t let me ease back into it like in treatment. When I went to treatment they eased me into eating again. I mean, they let me eat less for the first and second day then I was put on plan. But 2 days is better then none!

Today is also art therapy with the, er, bitchy facilitator. I am going to let her comments and looks roll off me. We used to talk during class but now are all afraid to. Maybe I’ll spark up a conversation. What can she do? Call me out and accuse me again of being the problem in the group? I’m moving on.

I want recovery now. I still don’t believe I’ll ever fully be recovered but maybe I can find a place that I can be settled and function in society and life. Yeah, that would be nice. I am looking for happiness. I’m looking for peace and contentment.

Here is a picture of me from yesterday. that was a suspension bridge which was super fun to walk on.



6 thoughts on “Despair and then Hope

      1. I’m yet to get my first tat… I wanted one, just a teeny tiny one, years ago, probably in my teens, but I wanted it to have personal meaning and for me that was overcoming an eating disorder and health issues. Time got away from me but perhaps I should do it soon (better late than never)! Would love to know what other designs you have 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  1. this is one of of my fav pictures of you. i really
    love your style & attitude.

    sorry you had so many ups & downs. excited to hear more about this hobby… horses?

    and you want to live?! that’s great!! much love.

    Liked by 1 person

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