self-sabotage from a problem person, me

Yeah, I’m a moron and pretty much loath myself right now. It’s not going to be a pleasant weekend in my head. The temptation to restrict is insanely high just to cope but so far I’m on plan.

This is all about yesterdays post.

I printed it and read it to my therapist. We discussed it and she felt strongly that I ought to forward it to the director so I did, minus all the bloggy type stuff. Of course I prefaced it with a huge apology. At the end of it I added all the things I do like and feel are working well in the program. I sent it. I can’t believe I sent it… once sent, it’s gone. I hate email right now.

After I got to the program it wore on me. The more I thought about it, the more I was embarrassed and felt the entire idea had been horrible. I should have edited it to remove a bunch of irrelevant parts but my therapist had told me to send it as it is. Why? It’s mostly complaining. And that’s what I do, complain… I’m a complainer, I’m a terrible person to be around. How can anyone stand me? I’m a horrible person.

Text… yeah, he is available by text so I sent him: “I changed my mind about the email I sent. Can you delete it?” He answered “okay.” That ought to have been the end of it but no, everything crumbled and I completely fell apart. By this time it was the end of iOP. I got in my car and broke down, called my therapist and left an insane message, weeping and carrying on like a child. What the hell was wrong with me? I knew it wasn’t safe to drive home so I went in and talked with the group leader/coordinator. What ultimately came out was that I was sabotaging myself again because I was, am, unable to voice my needs. When I do that it feels like a butcher knife driven into my heart, my throat. I told her I want it all to go away and apologized for being a trouble maker and problem. I felt that iOP would be better without me. She was baffled at the trouble maker comment. I was referencing back to the original situation that I linked to in yesterday’s post. I’ve been accused of that repeatedly through out my life despite my simply trying to be the best person I could be. I don’t understand why people accuse me of that. Why? I’ve never made trouble for anyone in my life. I have, though, spoken up to defend someone who couldn’t speak for themselves. Trouble maker. I should never use my voice. I’m a problem, problem, problem, problem. I’m trouble every where I go. Maybe I should just leave, never be around people again, leave…. you know…

leave.

I did end up seeing the director before I left and told him I feel stupid for sending the text, I feel embarrassed like I could never face him again. The only reason I sent it was because he told me to tell him if I didn’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe. I’m not safe. I feel like I’ll never feel safe.

I told him that, after reading the email, he thinks the program isn’t a good fit, he can let me know next week. Self sabotage, pain. If I have to leave……

I just emailed my therapist to explain all this and ask her to tell my Tuesday if I’ve become too much of a problem for her too, if this is the last straw for her too. Self sabotage.

And yet, I’m still making bread, I’ll still go to my volunteer thing tomorrow. Why? That’s what I do, I just keep going. It’s what I have scheduled. I follow my schedule. I’ll go to the event tonight too. Why? Because I made cookies for it already. Yep, that’s it, that’s the only reason. I wish i hadn’t, I wish I could cancel. I still could cancel. maybe I will. I don’t know.

11 thoughts on “self-sabotage from a problem person, me

    1. I texted my nutritionist (the director) and said I’d do anything to stay in iOP and apologized for yesterday. He said that it’s okay and to just breathe. That helped a little but he hasn’t read the email yet so we’ll see. I’m going to crochet and watch mindless tv the rest of the day till tonight. Thanks for your support.

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    2. I did go to the event and nearly all the cookies were eaten despite peoples proclamations of being gluten free. Always happens, lol.

      Oh, one person said she couldn’t eat anything but organic because it caused so many issues. (me rolling my eyes). Before I could answer, my friend hosting the event, said that it was, in fact, all organic. She ate one or two with no difficulties at all. There is not any organic ingredients in my cookies! Am I evil in saying that I love when that happens?

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  1. I saw a quote today. I know I said I hated quotes but this one seems fitting for both of us at this time:

    “And if today, all you did was hold yourself together, I’m proud of you”. Sometimes just that takes a lot out of us. I am no stranger to self-sabotage so I have no good advice, except that you’re doing the right thing by reaching out. I hope you can find a big enough distraction to pass the time while the “storm” quiets down. I’m going for coffee. Maybe you can join me virtually! ❤

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  2. xx sending support to you Lexy xx argh! I relate to what you’re going through – I’ve often been seen as a trouble maker by the authorities too (sometimes I am making trouble and sometimes I’m just misunderstood). It’s come up for me in Art Therapy too but my AT is grounded enough and experienced to handle it… I’m sorry and confused by the fact that your AT seems to be shutting things down 😦 It must be disappointing to feel uncertain about whether or not you can go on with what seems to have started off as a really useful intervention and tool for self-reflection. From what I know of you – you have real integrity and sincerity and are honest about what you’re going through. I believe in you xx and I think I’d love your warmth and openess if you were in my art therapy group. I hope things will work out and in the mean time you can be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible xx Em

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    1. Thank you so much. I see my nutritionist on Thursday so who knows. I’ll have one group before that but it’s just group psychotherapy with a different facilitator. I’ll miss art therapy group this week because of a procedure. I won’t ask, this time, if she sent people home with homework.

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    1. I’m working on that. Our Monday group leader likes to ask us for future topics. I asked for Self Care. I good with that physically but not emotionally so I’m looking forward to is when she works it in. 🙂

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