Yeah, I’m a moron and pretty much loath myself right now. It’s not going to be a pleasant weekend in my head. The temptation to restrict is insanely high just to cope but so far I’m on plan.
This is all about yesterdays post.
I printed it and read it to my therapist. We discussed it and she felt strongly that I ought to forward it to the director so I did, minus all the bloggy type stuff. Of course I prefaced it with a huge apology. At the end of it I added all the things I do like and feel are working well in the program. I sent it. I can’t believe I sent it… once sent, it’s gone. I hate email right now.
After I got to the program it wore on me. The more I thought about it, the more I was embarrassed and felt the entire idea had been horrible. I should have edited it to remove a bunch of irrelevant parts but my therapist had told me to send it as it is. Why? It’s mostly complaining. And that’s what I do, complain… I’m a complainer, I’m a terrible person to be around. How can anyone stand me? I’m a horrible person.
Text… yeah, he is available by text so I sent him: “I changed my mind about the email I sent. Can you delete it?” He answered “okay.” That ought to have been the end of it but no, everything crumbled and I completely fell apart. By this time it was the end of iOP. I got in my car and broke down, called my therapist and left an insane message, weeping and carrying on like a child. What the hell was wrong with me? I knew it wasn’t safe to drive home so I went in and talked with the group leader/coordinator. What ultimately came out was that I was sabotaging myself again because I was, am, unable to voice my needs. When I do that it feels like a butcher knife driven into my heart, my throat. I told her I want it all to go away and apologized for being a trouble maker and problem. I felt that iOP would be better without me. She was baffled at the trouble maker comment. I was referencing back to the original situation that I linked to in yesterday’s post. I’ve been accused of that repeatedly through out my life despite my simply trying to be the best person I could be. I don’t understand why people accuse me of that. Why? I’ve never made trouble for anyone in my life. I have, though, spoken up to defend someone who couldn’t speak for themselves. Trouble maker. I should never use my voice. I’m a problem, problem, problem, problem. I’m trouble every where I go. Maybe I should just leave, never be around people again, leave…. you know…
I did end up seeing the director before I left and told him I feel stupid for sending the text, I feel embarrassed like I could never face him again. The only reason I sent it was because he told me to tell him if I didn’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe. I’m not safe. I feel like I’ll never feel safe.
I told him that, after reading the email, he thinks the program isn’t a good fit, he can let me know next week. Self sabotage, pain. If I have to leave……
I just emailed my therapist to explain all this and ask her to tell my Tuesday if I’ve become too much of a problem for her too, if this is the last straw for her too. Self sabotage.
And yet, I’m still making bread, I’ll still go to my volunteer thing tomorrow. Why? That’s what I do, I just keep going. It’s what I have scheduled. I follow my schedule. I’ll go to the event tonight too. Why? Because I made cookies for it already. Yep, that’s it, that’s the only reason. I wish i hadn’t, I wish I could cancel. I still could cancel. maybe I will. I don’t know.