Yikes, photos of me! Horses too so it’s all good. 

I’ve thus far avoided posting pictures of myself. On my about page there is a thumbnail image of me from years ago when I was out of my mind manic but it isn’t me now.

When I was 11 or 12 my mom had me start wearing a full makeup regimen, foundation and all. This was a very clear message that I was ugly and needed all the help I could get. I was never seen without makeup for years. Eventually, 2 decades later, stop wearing it altogether figuring there wasn’t much help for me anyway. Her mantra to me growing up was, “You must be thin and beautiful in order to be successful.” Well, clearly I lacked in the looks department so I went for being thin. It wasn’t a conscious thing at that point. I can’t really pinpoint the moment I took action to lose weight. I felt fat since I was a little girl, maybe I always felt fat. Like mom like daughter.

I do remember the moment that started obsessive exercising and it had nothing to do with weight. I did write about it ages ago but it might warrant an updated post.

So here I am, no longer young, no longer fit, no longer thin. The funny thing about pictures is that I look so happy here. No one looking at it would even remotely think I have the problems I do. This is why I never make a judgement or even a guess how someone is doing bars on their Facebook or other social media page.

Oh, by the way, this is at the ranch where I volunteer. They have this mammoth cat called Big Boy.

And here I am right after I buzzed cut my hair. I just had to at least once in my life, lol.  I never realize how aged I look till I see a picture. I feel 20 years younger (in my head at least). My body feels 20 years older! 😳😛

This is Snowflake, looking up when she saw me. She’s one of my favorites.  Isn’t that cool?!

Dakota, Romeo and Gem

And of course Sadie, the mini pony, with her wee son who I saw being born.

There’s a bunch more horses but I don’t have pics of all of them.

Last picture. This was 2 days before I got discharged from the eating disorder program. I’m hugging one of the staff who was at the residence where we lived (outside of program time.)

18 thoughts on “Yikes, photos of me! Horses too so it’s all good. 

    1. Thank you. You reminded me that my smile is one thing that people do comment on. Instead of focusing on homeliness I really should be grateful that I have at least that. I actually use my smile as a gift so to speak. I do have my own hang ups about needing approval and all that, but that aside, I feel that for some people I give my smile to, that might be the only positive thing they receive that day so who am I to withhold it?

      I’m at the VA a lot and many of us are bonded in an unspoken way by PTSD. In some eyes I can see the look of a wounded animal, a person who expects no kindness at all. I smile or nod at them in acknowledgement and I can see them light up a little. Other people do the same for me. I never see this behavior outside the VA except maybe here on WP when we “like” each others post. It’s like a little nod or smile or acknowledgment.

      I used to think I didn’t need that or anyone for that matter. The older I get, the more humbled and grateful I am when I receive it. Being heard, being validated, is important. Thank you for commenting.


  1. YAAAAAY Horses, cats, hugs and haircuts! four of my favourite things 🙂 omg the wee mini pony is such a beaut! and you got to see her son being born? amazing! I miss the horses from the stables where I used to work, I’m planning to go back there soon x Snowflake is absolutely stunning – wow so elegant. And Romeo, Dakota and Gem so beautiful too x and the lovely Big Boy 🙂 we don’t have a cat in our stables! We do have plenty of mice and birds though 😉 a neighbours cat comes in and patrols the place regularly… thanks for sharing the lovely photos x Em

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are quite a few cats at this one. Ironically, the other friendly cat is Big Girl… creative names… not. There were about 12 horses but they got a couple more. I met the new Red Roan named Chex and they were expecting another one from Puerto Rico I believe. The problem with him is he’d have to be totally retrained to understand commands in English! The person selling the horse never gave it a thought, lol.

      It’s amazing that you used to work at a stables! Aren’t horses just amazing creatures?! Oh, you mentioned mice and birds; we have a huge bees nest in the main barns. It’s those massive carpenter bees. Since I’m not made of wood they don’t bother me, lol. Thank goodness!

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      1. 💖💕 yes!!! Horses are amazing ! I had no idea how affectionate they are until I started working with them instead of just riding them 😉 and isn’t just heart meltingly glorious when they place their trust in you? Like, they’re so strong and huge but so gentle and they just want to get along! I also learnt a lot about regulating my stress response and trusting myself to be a compassionate leader through working with them. 💖💖💖 horses forever! Wow, carpenter bees sound cool! I’m glad you can co-exist peacefully with them! We have a sensory trail up in our place too and last summer wasps built a nest in one of the tunnels 😉 a little too much sensation for my liking!!! lol 🙂

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      2. I wish I could find some place to ride. I’m not actively looking though, budget and all. There is one horse, Big Pete, who I’ve nicknamed Lips. He smacks his lips all time time trying to gum me, gum the top, gum anything he can. It’s hilarious. When I’m grooming him I have to keep pushing his head forward. Silly guy!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yup me too on the budget front! I also just genuinely love grooming them & caring for them “on the ground” as much if not more tho 😉 I love the smell of a good horse yard!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It’s funny, everyone always comments about my smile and I’m glad I have one feature. It rather confirms that it’s all I have but it is what it is. I don’t need to have any kind of looks anymore. Really, who cares. It was an issue when I was younger but it doesn’t really matter anymore I suppose. People probably just see me as an older woman with a nice smile. And… apparently I have a good head for a buzz cut. 😁👍


      1. My friend, accept a/the compliment, you are allowed! Your smile is part of your face, which is part of your body, you… Think about it, we aren’t saying you have a nice mouth!!!! You’re beautiful!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh my word, I never heard it like that. A bit of insecurity on my part. Yes, thank you for the compliment, absolutely! I normally wouldn’t say anything but you’ve shared so much with me that I felt I could say something about my inner thoughts to you too. 🙂👌

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I think as we get older, it’s not so much that it isn’t “important” to have looks, but that we truly just care less what others think. It’s a complex concept when combined with other things, depression, ED… but I believe there is a part of us that genuinely cares less in a certain way. And because we care less, I think it makes us look better. More confident. Not to say that I am drowning in confidence, but let’s just say that if I was 22, my situation would be far worse… Does that make sense? Being older with these issues has a whole different set of challenges though!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It absolutely does and very much rings true. There is this meme that says:
        I’ve reached the age where my brain went from “you probably shouldn’t say that” to “what the hell, let’s see what happens!”
        Which, as you explained, seems to happen with other areas. I do like to dress quirky. I wear hats and long earrings and whatever the hell I want, really. I can get away with it partly because my age, lol. Thinking about it now, it’s really a kind of freedom I suppose. The more I push the boundaries, like my hair, the more I can keep pushing. Maybe being covered with tattoos inadvertently does that. They are usually covered up but they do emote an inner strength. People have tattoos then there are those of us who are heavily covered. It’s different.

        I mean, if I can’t buy certain patterns of clothes because they’ll clash with my arms, that changes ones perception, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It takes a lot of courage to post photos of yourself, good for you, I know that couldn’t have been easy. Your pictures exude kindness and a warm welcoming smile. It looks like you get to volunteer at an awesome place!! I


  3. Hey! I found your blog because I am in fact just about to start recovery (awaiting referral to an eating disorder clinic) It’s so reassuring to hear other people’s experiences and I really hope you’re doing well 🙂
    I’ve just started my own blog to fill the hours so if you could check that out and offer any advice or tips on blogging and of course recovery that would be much appreciated!
    I look forward to following your blog too 🙂
    Many thanks, Amy x

    Liked by 1 person

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