I’m not sure how I’ve managed but I’ve been compliant for a week now, well, since last Wednesday. I went through my meal log day by day with my nutritionist to see if he could see a pattern. Really, there was no pattern, just me not complying. It is what it is, isn’t it? I have a friend who says that the phrase it is what it is is actually a cop out. It gave me pause but for me it’s more reflective of acceptance. He took my meal plan and wrote a big Rx on it and circled it. He asked me what would happen if I stopped taking my pills? “I’d end up in the hospital…. oh.” I have bipolar, a mental illness. I need meds; no meds = hospitalization. I have anorexia, a mental illness. I need food; no food = hospitalization. He said that I have to think of food as medicine. The medicine for anorexia is food. It’s not a meal “plan”, it’s a meal “prescription”, or more accurately a food prescription. One of the meds I take for bipolar is Tegretol. I have to have blood tests for levels so my doctor can prescribe the proper amount. My nutritionist does body composition tests at every appointment so he can prescribe the proper amount of food.
I know that for some people taking meds is super hard. It goes against everything they’ve decided is right for them. I have no problems taking meds honestly because I absolutely hate how I am when I’m not on them. However, I absolutely hate taking in a proper amount of food. I hate how I am when I eat compliantly. I guess this has given me a bit more understanding of people who have problems with meds.
It’s been hard, so hard…. but I’m doing it. I feel huge. My clothes don’t fit well. My boots are tight. I’m a cow.
Before you ask, I did not buy another scale. I had pre-op this morning. I talked with my nutritionist about this and he said to stand with my back to it, then tell them not to tell me. I explained that at every visit they give us a summary of vital statistics, current med list, etc. He said that at every vsit don’t take it. He even said that if they insist, have them send it to him and he’ll happily shred it. I intended to follow his instructions right up to last night when I knew I was going to see what my weight was. I minimized foods and liquids and wore the lightest clothes I own. I figure they weigh about 1 ½ lbs in total so took that off the number that flashed brightly, in neon green, on the scale. Ugh….. That explained the fit of my clothes.
A side note – someone just sat next to me in the coffee shop who is wearing her entire bottle of perfume! It’s awful. Perfume makes me nauseous. Do I move? I have a lovely table by the window. (Grabbed everything, moved to a table outside). If someone comes out here and starts smoking… There’s a sign for that and a law in New York State about smoking close to places that serve food, but that doesn’t stop anyone, lol. Gotta love the defiance of people who live here. OMG, a couple just came outside who are loaded with perfume!! I can’t win! Hopefully the breeze will be my friend.
Okay, where was I? Pre-op. I’m scheduled for another colonoscopy. Gotta love getting older. I had one three years ago but it didn’t work because my screwed up system. Actually, my therapist thinks it’s the trauma that made it not work. Apparently that happens. So yeah, I have sexual trauma that’s triggered by colonoscopies specifically. I don’t think I need to go into detail. Because of that I go under general anesthesia instead of the lighter sedation they normally do. Also, since the prep from last time was ineffective, I am doing an extended prep meaning I’m fasting for 2 days and drinking all kinds of horrible stuff to clear every ounce of matter out of my intestines. What does that mean? Trigger!!!!!!
This morning there was confusion about which sedation I was doing even though it was ordered twice by two different people, so the nurse said that even after I do all the prep, they may cancel it at the last minute. What?!! My anxiety is already high at this point but now there are tears in my eyes. After seeing the nurse I saw the anesthesiologist. I explain all of that, explain that I’m doing this because of trauma, explain that the nurse said it’s iffy if I have it done, explain the extended prep and the two therapy appointments this week just to get me to be able to do the whole blasted thing. And on top of that, she couldn’t find the order for the special anti-nausea pill I need. I get so sick on anesthesia that at the last surgery, last November, the anesthesiologist said I have to take this special kind that they normally only give to cancer patients. Well, the gal I was sitting with was confused. At that point I was in tears and wondering how I could prossibly survive a week at that level of anxiety. I was trying to breathe, I was counting to ten again and again… anything to keep from panicking. This wonderful woman though said she was going to find out everything and call me. She was going to make sure it wouldn’t be canceled. And she did! She called me a couple hours later and said the anti-nausea med has been ordered and that there was no possibility of cancelation.
Having that settled more or less, the neon number of my weight was once again floating in front of me. It’s there even now. I was okay with what my weight was when I left Sol Stone but I’m definitely not that weight now. I’ll eat today, tomorrow, and see my nutritionist Wednesday. I’m going to ask him if he is willing to help me get back to that weight with, say, a plus or minus 3 lb margin. I trust him and if he says yes I will believe him and keep on keeping on. If he says no, if he says that my weight is irrelevant, like my last nutritionist said, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Time will tell, well, 2 days time that is.
The main thing is I managed to have a compliant weekend, something I haven’t had in who knows how long. I havn’t been compliant in iOP, or even when I was at the Sol Stone treatment program, and obviously not before. It’s a success, a big success, so why don’t I feel successful? Why do I still feel like crap? Am I just an unhappy person when I’m by myself? It is what it is.