Anorexic behavior; will there be an end?

Okay, first of all I know I’ve been remiss in being here… no apologies. I apologize for what seems like everything. Life keeps reminding me that I am a human being like everyone else and therefore simply unable to show up for everything all the time. It really is a bother, not showing up that is. It adds to the full plate of stress and guilt I already have. I think to myself that perhaps I can read a few blogs that are really important but then realize that all the blogs I follow are important. 

The only thing I can say is that anorexic behavior is once again getting in the way. I’m doing better at following my meal plan this week, not great, but much better. I haven’t… oops, I was going to say exercise…. sigh. Okay, first that. It’s been raining here, raining and raining and raining. Saturday I was going to the ranch but it was flooded, so flooded that the horses had to brought into stable for the night. What to do? Oh right, this weekend was the AIDS Walk that I wasn’t going to do because it would be over exercising. Since this was a last minute thing, I justified going by telling myself that if I had planned it I would have asked my nutritionist about it and since it was Saturday I wouldn’t be able to text him. So off I went. Did I bring a snack. Nope. The walk started 1 ½ hrs after I thought it would. It was 3 miles which normally would be nothing but since I haven’t walked in ages, it was something. I ended up walking ahead, faster than my group, so I could get it done before my back made me stop. So there I was – burn, burn, burning calories galore. They had a food stand at the end. I decided earlier that I’d eat a burger: ½ a bun and the burger patty. My lunch is 1 bread, 3 oz of protein plus a lipid. Maybe I’d eat the other half of the bun since I missed my snack. I got there first, since I walked ahead of everyone. “We have sausage, hot dogs, and veggies burgers…” “No hamburgers?” “No” Could I deviate from my safe foods? No. Could I take a risk as a step toward recovery? No. What did I do? Left. I got home, had my normal lunch with the snack I missed. I felt super depleted but just couldn’t eat more than what was on my meal plan. A tiny part of my brain mentioned that my food plan will probably increase so go ahead… but I couldn’t do that. I’d love to say I could, that I’m far along in recovery enough to make wise decisions for myself, decisions that are for better health… but no, I’m not. I’m still obsessed with calories which is why I avoid counting them at all. 

Saturday – over exercise…. 😞

Sunday I did go to the ranch and I actually mucked stalls. Yes, my back is killing me but I figure I just need to build up those muscles and to that, I’ll be in pain. And, of course, there’s the work out part of it……… that was all I did though because the pregnant pony was giving birth. I watched her have her wee baby pony! Fortunately it wasn’t awful and gross, like I’d imagine it would be. Bill, the barn manager, said it was super unusual. Then I watched as mama kept hoofing the ground around him to get him to stand up. Ever see the movie Bambi? Yeppers, he would get part way up, legs splayed in all directions, then fall over side ways. It was hilarious and he finally got up only to be head first in the corner with no idea how to go anyway but forward. I finally left after a few hours. The little baby was clean, dry and adorable. I was shivering cold and my back hurt, but I stayed long enough to see it all through. 

Standing…..

Yes, I did loads of standing on Sunday…. and Friday, and Saturday, and today. That is what I do, I don’t sit down. It’s totally anorexic behavior. Standing burns more calories. It’s probably a negligible amount but my ED brain still spurs me on. I should spend time resting every single day and there I go, doing chores, arranging something, putzing around, anything to avoid sitting down. When I do sit I work on a puzzle or color or something. I love to read but haven’t done that in ages since that requires me to sit perfectly still, ugh. My meal plan, mind you, is designed for someone who is sitting down all day, not moving around. Even if I wasn’t going to the ranch, I’m moving around way more than I ought to (and I know it, which makes it worse). I was better at it a few weeks ago but it’s become a problem again. That and the lack of fluids. My mind justifies it because I drink coffee, soy milk, sometimes a rootbeer (to fill up so I don’t eat beyond my meal plan). But the truth of the matter is I need to rehydrate before I have my surgical procedure in June and rehydration takes time. My blood tests show my urea/nitrogen extremely high… dehydrated. I’ve somehow forgotten why I ought to bother. These are the two main behaviors I have to tell my nutritionist this week… oh wait, one more!

  1. Exercise/compulsive movement (for lack of a better phrase)
  2. Willful dehydration to feel smaller
  3. How I eat

How I eat? Yeah… some anorexics eat insanely slow or chop their food up to tiny pieces. Honestly I never understood the tiny pieces thing. Could someone explain it to me please? When I was in treatment I did eat super slow but it was because I was eating so much food and not used to, well, eating. Anyway, other anorexics eat very fast. Most non-ED people, if any, are aware of that. I hardly chew my food sometimes. I simply want to get it over with so I don’t have to think about the fact that I just ate food. I put it together and eat it right there at the counter then get out of the kitchen as fast as possible. This is my behavior when I’m eating a normal mealplan. When I’m barely eating than it is different. Hmmm, no, I think I’ll refrain from saying what I do. I apologize for that but don’t want to give anyone any new obsessions. 

So these will be the 3 behaviors on my list for Bruce this week. There are others…. to sit properly on my swing couch I have to lift myself up using the bar on top then ste myself down. It keeps the cushions from going askew if you want to know. This becomes a pull up or chin-up. Nice little exercise add. When I’m on the ground picking something up, or whatever, I’ll toss in a pushup before getting up. Obsessions!!!

I have a question for the ED people reading this:

Do you find whatever lingering eating disorder behaviors you have, as exhausting as I do? Part of the exhaustion is wanting to stop but not being able to, not on my own anyway, and knowing that. 

It seems like when I get a few under control, a few more pop up in its place. It’s like that whack-a-mole game isn’t it? 

So this is why I haven’t been on much. I’m sitting while I write this, I sit when I’m at iOP, I sit when I’m driving… see the problem? How can I have a computer presence when I’m busy vacuuming? I miss everyone. It’s easy to blame myself and my laziness. But do I blame myself for compulsive behavior related to a mental illness? Sigh………..

5 thoughts on “Anorexic behavior; will there be an end?

  1. Totally understand the eating disorder behaviours being exhausting, I found them worse once I became more aware of them because then I was using energy to consider fighting them in addition to then doing them, if that makes sense? But I can offer you some hope that the compulsions lessened for me once my weight and eating stabilised. It really did get easier. Trust the process, keep going x

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  2. I think part of it is habit too. We don’t know who to break it/scared too. Your doing much better than you think , we all are. We’re all still here and going. One day you’ll be able to look back and it will have ended. You’ll get there you will 🙂 x

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    1. You’re right but it’s nearly impossible to see when in the middle of it all. The treatment program got me eating again, which on retrospect was it’s main purpose. I wish I knew that in the beginning. The real work, the hard stuff, started after I got out. Keep that in mind too. Don’t expect you’ll be free of behavior when you leave or, if you have achieved that, be aware that slips will happen. It’s a hard thing to face at least for me. I slipped the night I got home and was crushed. The thing is, program is like an island away from the rest of the world. When we get out we are slammed back into all the stresses we had before but the hope is that we’ve learned a few tools to get by. For me, having eaten for 6 weeks, I was able to think again which made a big difference. When I went to therapy we could discuss why I slipped and what I could do, instead of curling up in a ball and wanting to die like I did before treatment. Does that make sense?

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      1. That totally makes sense. I’ve been told I can’t process or think of anything let alone begin to understand why I have this as my mind is starved. You doing so well. You notice you slipped and your doing something about it. That’s an achievement. And you really are so strong!! I’m here to help and listen anyway I can!! In this together. X

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