I have this diary and am on year 4 of it. It has a question for each day and a couple of lines for each year to jot down a few words or sentence. I like that it restricts my thoughts to, well, a thought. I’m going to update the past week based on each days questions, so let’s see how it goes.
April 9th, Sunday: Where do you feel most at home?
My first thought is to say my flat. This is my cave where I can be completely separate from the outside world, in other words, safe. However, thinking about it now, I do have other safe places. Driving in my car, especially long distances, I feel very safe. Depending on traffic, I may be alone on the road which is wonderful or in a crowd. However, the crowd isn’t exactly people that I might jostle with or have to verbally interact with – it’s other cars, dispassionate and separate, even if we are crammed together in a traffic jam. I interact with cars very well, being a seasoned driver. Driving across the country will do that to you. It changed the way I drive, the way I react to what other drivers do, how I handle myself on the road. So yeah, it’s utterly safe. I love to drive even if it is difficult at times due to fatigue. I am bothered by the size of my thighs in the seat but I can cover them up. In essence, body image is minimized the most in the car, sometimes to the point of being unaware of it. Wow, what a relief!!! The safest place in my flat is at night, in the dark, under my covers, especially when I draw them over my head. I’m removed from most stimulus and feel like I’m in a little bubble of safety. Years ago I used to sleep behind my bed, on the floor, or under my desk, anything to feel hidden and small. I’m better now with all the therapy I’ve had so my bed is fine. During the day my couch/swing is good. Swinging comforts me. For more recent followers, I got rid of my traditional couch and brought my big 3 seater swing in. I added better cushions and tossed a huge fleece over it. That is my couch now. I can swing while I’m reading or coloring or just watching TV.
April 10th, Monday: A chore you ignored today.
Resting. I got a huge amount of things done except resting. The thing is, resting is the one thing I need the most and the one thing I avoid. If I don’t rest I drink more coffee; drinking more caffeine decreases my quality of sleep; decreased sleep causes more fatigue… and so the cycle goes.
April 11th, Tuesday: What sound effect are you the most today?
I was compliant, completely compliant from Thursday to Monday. But Tuesday I was so exhausted and, I realized later, depressed. When I’m depressed I simply don’t care and so I took a vacation from eating my meal plan. Anorexia once again took control. Yes, I ate, but skipped a snack here, at less at that meal there. I finally took extra meds which helped. So, the sound? What I wrote was this: “Absence of sound, emotion, caring… depressed, restricting, auto-pilot. Today I am helpless in the void of silence.” The next day I saw my nutritionist who had words with me. I completely fell apart and acted like a child. I made no sense. This coming Wednesday I will have to apologize and explain myself. I have a hard time being in touch with how I really feel in the moment. I react in confusion, only realizing what it was about hours or days later. It’s the same when I’m asked a question. I usually can’t answer or, if pressured, I’ll give a pat answer than have to correct myself the next day. That is one reason I have 2 appointments a week with my therapist. Anyway, I got it together and moved forward with the best intentions only to fall completely off the rails Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!!! My intention for today was to stay home and stay exactly on plan. Only I got invited to a brunch, ugh. I will do my best but I don’t do well with change and spontaneity.
April 12th, Wednesday: Write down a new fact you learned today.
It was art therapy day at iOP. The group was finishing up a project, which I now wish I could have done. They took a big mug, broke it, then glued it together. The Japanese have a tradition that when a cup breaks they take it to a mender who paints gold on the cracked edges and then glues it back together. The broken cup becomes more valuable then the originals. The analogy is obvious. I might ask if I can bring home a mug to do this. I don’t have paints but I have markers. They had gold colored paint. I might have a gold colored marker. I really like that idea and think looking at that mug would be a good reminder. I am always referring to myself as broken.
April 13th, Thursday: What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday morning?
Are you kidding me? It’s PJ day!! I stay in my PJs all day and never leave. It’s my once a week me time day. I can relax, do puzzles, watch TV, catch up on littles things.. or I can simply do nothing. It doesn’t matter because I’m in my space and can choose to do whatever I want!
April 14th, Friday: If you could acquire a talent (without any extra effort), what would it be?
Guitar… or maybe art like drawing, painting or sculpting. I know they say that the effort to learn is what brings the enjoyment but screw that, I want the enjoyment now!
April 15th, Saturday: Which celebrity would you want to interview?
Okay, so I’m not well versed in celebrities so I chose Wonder Woman. She is amazingly strong, not just physically but emotionally in her desire to help others, and intellectually in her ability to figure out what is really going on. Every woman who operates out of a source of power, has some means of nourishing that core self. My questions would be: What do you do in your downtime? How do you rejuvenate yourself? How did you, or what was the process, of developing a strong core self? And, how do you balance of action for others and restoration for yourself?
April 16th, Sunday (today): Where are you in your studies?
The original question in the book was about political issues. Since I stay as far away from that topic as possible I made up my own. So, studies. OMG, so yeah, I’m doing a coursera course on guitars. I’m studying BOTA, I’m reading books on emotions. Study, study, study. Yesterday at a class on intuition the teacher remarked how she knew someone who studied constantly as a way, unconsciously, to avoid ever feeling. I resonated with that so completely. I study all the time, anything… it doesn’t matter. It’s comfortable because I stay firmly in my head!! Maybe I need to take a break from studying, sit down and figure out the feelings behind my thoughts. What do you think? That idea terrifies me. I don’t want to feel, I never want to feel. The irony is I feel all the time. Maybe I need to grow up and start dealing with it. What do I have to lose?