I’m in iOP!!!!! My provider simply couldn’t get through to the insurance company, i.e., Veterans Choice. It was a nightmare so after calling them on my own, and telling them they were effecting my life, I found out that if I call with my provider, I’ll get right through so we did that Wednesday morning. I had to listen to them talk insurance language for 45 minutes. I was crying by then because it sounded like not only would I not be approved for iOP but they wouldn’t pay for Sol Stone. However, my provider said that wasn’t the case at all. Seriously, it’s like they were talking another language since I clearly misunderstood all of it. She said to go ahead and go the next day, which was yesterday. It was a different location than the one I was looking at. She said it was a better fit and it turns out it’s closer, only a 2 hour drive! That meant I could go back and forth each of the 3 days instead of having to get a hotel.
OMG, it was so much better! It was DBT and yoga night. The person who does the DBT picked out just one sentence, “I feel awful if someone gets upset with me.” We worked on reframing it and talked about our response to it. At the treatment center we’d go through a bunch of pages making it too overwhelming to comprehend, at least to me. This format, here at iOP was doable, absolutely!
That sentence – For me, since I always feel a bother, when someone gets upset with me I assume it’s my fault. If they are angry I leave. If I can’t leave I hold my breath and push whatever feelings I’m having down never to be seen again, that is, till I’m in recovery where literally everything bubbles up top the surface. I can’t stand discord, arguing, yelling, even if it is other people across the waiting room. I have to hide, or leave, or more likely put my earbuds in and blast music. I know my parents argued although I have nearly no memories of that time. There was a hole in the wall and they got divorced, so that sort of makes it obvious. I do remember one time standing outside the front door while they argued inside. I sat there crying and crying. I was super young, probably 6 or younger. I remember wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear. Hmm, I still want to do that to this day when I’m anxious or scared. So, back to the lesson last evening… After giving it a lot of thought I came up with something like, “It’s not always about me, and if it is in this instance, perhaps I can look at it objectively, with inner wisdom and see where I may need to discuss the issue with that person, or change.” People are also allowed to have their own feelings. I tend to feel overly sensitive, typical of anorexics actually, and feel overly responsible. I’m good at analyzing these things but am still too reactionary when it comes up.
I’m doing yoga in the morning, have been for a week or so. It’s something in between ashtanga and power yoga. I do my own routine. It definitely builds a sweat and I have (good) sore muscles. Because of this, my urge to exercise has decreased significantly. However, since the type of yoga I’m doing is on the athletic side, I’ll have to see how it effects my body comps next week. I won’t see Bruce, my new nutritionist (the one from Sol Stone), till Wednesday so that’ll be a fair amount of time to make a difference if it effects my body in a positive or negative way. All I know is that it feels so good. I love yoga and had to stop years ago because it caused too much pain but now, for some reason, it isn’t. At iOP we did a very gentle yoga with meditation. It was nice to slow down. However, I realize that holding positions for any length of time might have been what was problematic. My neck is trashed so holding positions causes great discomfort. Moving through the routines fast doesn’t allow for added pressure; maybe that’s why I can do it. I tried a class on YouTube this morning and hurt… I suppose that answers that question doesn’t it.
I’m still in week one. I watched the videos at double speed. They were long and I already know the information they are talking about. The videos are more for people unfamiliar with all this. When I’m done with yoga I do sit for a bit which I hope will be helpful. Yesterday I did a body scan exercise where I imagined each and every part of my body moving from fingers to hand to forearm, etc. I can’t feel most of my body, nothing new to me. I can really only feel the parts that hurt and my neck and head where I hold all my tension. It’s a good practice though and being able to sit in full lotus has a motivational factor, I’m not going to lie, lol.
I showed my meal plan to Bruce last night hoping he’d agree with me that Carolyn, whom he works closely with, gave me way too much food. Duh, what was I thinking? He said, “No, it’s enough food. The reason you had a smaller amount during treatment was you were sitting in group 10 hours a day.” Sigh… one can hope. I felt like a kid going from one parent to the other to try to get away with something. I thought he was going to be too easy on my since he was during treatment. But no, when I told him I was purging he said, “that effects your body comps so what are you going to do about it?!” So yeah, he’s the right nutritionist for me. I’ll meet with him for now on.
I told him I was scheduling my day in hopes that would help me get through them. I also told him I’m trying to change my thinking to make eating my meal plan and working on recovery to be my job. It has to be priority above all else so if I have to cancel going places because it will interfere with eating, than that’ll have to be the way it is. H told me to bring my schedule in so we can see where problematics times are – wow, cool.
This is hard. No one said it’d be easy but I really had no idea just how hard it would be. I’m a month out of treatment and still struggling everyday. However, one thing they promised over and over was that the obsessive thoughts are linked with the nutrition of the body and it turns out that’s true. My obsessive thoughts have significanty decreased. Yes, I still have them but they are not “all the time” or “crippling”. That’s a positive for sure and hopefully a bit of hope for other people still consumed with it.
Another thing is I actually have is the capacity to learn the guitar. That would simply have been impossible before. I was complemented at my second lesson that I picked up moving through chords faster than many people. Are my chords perfect? Holy crap, NO, but besides practicing each chord, I also practice strumming through them regardless of getting them right. I love it… my fingers are absolutely trashed. It even hurts to type. But it’s kind of good think, isn’t it?
Okay, my car is probably soon done so I best wrap this up. Getting an oil change and putting my summer tires on. I knew that when I swapped my snow tires for summer tires we’d get snow. No one believed me and this morning everything was covered in white. Go me for bring a snow storm, lol!!!