iOP (intensive outpatient)
Remember everything I said about not getting into iOP? Well, I may actually have a chance although I’d rather wait before writing this blog. I went in to the nutrition clinic for my appointment and was able to sit down and talk with the insurance person. She explained everything as well as the difficulty getting ahold of Veterans Choice. She later called me at 4pm to explain how many hours she gave up in her day on hold, only to be hung up on. Well….. I called Veterans choice and had words with them explaining they were messing with my life and recovery. The woman I talked to simply had no solution. At the end I said I recommended my person call into the veterans line as opposed to the providers like I do since I get answered right away. She said the only way she can do that is if I call and we do a conference call. Seriously? Why didn’t she say that initially? I called and left a message with my person so hopefully she’ll call me at 9am this morning and we’ll get right in to someone. Ugh, what a nightmare. If I had known this I’d already be in iOP. This is, of course, assuming they actually follow through with approval, like they assured me a week ago! I have doubts. My expectations have risen but the chance of getting in is minimal which will, once again, crush me, sigh.
Mindfulness and so forth
As mentioned I simply suck at this. However I recently skimmed through a book my program therapist had suggested: Full Catastrophe Living. It’s like the mindfulness Buddhist books without the Buddhism. It’s not that I don’t like Buddhism, it’s that I’ve had enough after trying to practice Zen. I skimmed it since most of the stuff I already knew. The interesting thing was the guy mentioned an 8 week course that seemed doable so I checked out the website: Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and thought I’d give it a go. It’s free, always an excellent price, and is step by step which I like. Typically though I can study nearly anything but putting it into practice is where I fail. However, perhaps practicing this along with the program will get me into the habit. I’ll see.
After increasing everything, as mentioned in an earlier post. I didn’t wait the week, just increased and am glad I did. I feel better and what’s more, I’m getting a solid 6 hrs of sleep a night. I’m still going to go to the insomnia appointment since technically 6 hrs is still considered insomnia. I haven’t gotten more than that in years. Before the med increase I was getting 4 ½. I’m still exhausted since REM is diminished from meds, fibro, and the cell death/phase angle thing. However, if all I ever get is 6, even though it will decrease the years I live, I’ll take it. I’d rather live a shorter life with some semblance to sleep than without it.
Okay, are you all sitting down? No, I’ll wait… sitting down now? Yeah, I gave up my scale at my appointment. I was all set to let her know I’ve accepted being eating disordered forever and even though it would cause some amount of misery, that would be my lot in life. I also was fully committed to only giving up the scale after serious negotiation on decreasing my meal plan. However, the appointment was directly after talking with the insurance gal so I had a wee bit of hope and therefore was thrown off my guard. I pulled out my scale and held it tightly too my chest, crying, like this was some kind of security blanket. Well, it is in a way. She took it before I changed my mind, sigh. She then informed me I have to eat everything on my meal plan. I told her about the weight gain which she simply didn’t believe. She said my lean muscle mass has increased (by one pound only), body fat has decreased, cell walls are better meaning my phase angle has improved form 3.something to 4 (healthy being 7.something) so wasn’t going to argue with me. My anorexic mind screamed, “Failure, failure, failure!!!” but my tiny, tiny core self was tentatively relieved by her sternness. It meant I might be able to exercise in the future. I got an idea of what might work but that’s another post.
By the way, I’m hungry, like nearly all day. I had stupidly mentioned that to Carolyn last week which is why she increased my meal plan, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Feeling hunger is a two-fold thing for me. One – I feel utterly betrayed by my body and all the fears that I’m going to eat and become a fat blob plague me all day. I feel like a fat blob already. Two – when I’m fully into ED mode, I relish in feeling hunger because it means my metabolism is burning what I think is fat, although now I know it is burning muscle and organs, like my brain. When I stop feeling hungry it means it has crashed and my body is into survival mode holding on to everything for all it’s worth. Ugh
I got a calendar yesterday that has listed times of the day. I decided to simply schedule my entire day and stick to that as much as possible. If I want control, this is a way I can get it in a healthy way, assuming I stick to it of course.
I hate much of my life right now and feel trapped. However, because the depression has lifted I do have moments of feel okay. I like practicing my guitar, working on jig saw puzzles, playing cards with the ladies. I feel pulled apart because of this. When you miss taking a medication, the prescription says to take the missed dose as soon as possible. I am trying to convince my brain that food is the same. If I miss a snack, I should add it as soon as possible, even if it means adding it to my next snack. Meds are mandatory for bipolar, should’t food be mandatory meds for anorexia?