I’m so tired of being eating disordered…
I called the center to ask why I was discharged and didn’t like the answer but at least I got one. They felt they got me to the behavioral and emotional state for that level of care. They also didn’t want to use too much insurance so that the insurance company would be willing to pay in the future if need be. That seemed ridiculous but understand the first even though I didn’t feel ready on both parts.
I had talked with the program director/IFS counselor who encouraged me to do IFS parts work which I am going to focus on this weekend, even though doing counseling work tends to end with behavior, but whatever.
She suggested meditation, which I suck at. I found some meet ups at http://www.meetup.com that had to do with mindfulness, etc. Figured I’d at least get it in a couple times a week depending on the availability.
She recommend I not come to iOP. Why? Because it’s too young a crowd. So I’m officially on my own, or at least I assume so till I hear from the program manager next week.
I’m still weighing myself – shouldn’t! Gaining weight daily, really pissed, really triggered. Taking my scale in to nutritionist on Monday but asking for a decrease in meal plan if phase angle is better.
I’m still depressed. I’m supposed to wait a week or two before increasing my meds, since I added more tegretol and stopped stelazine but depression is not a good place to be. Depression = behavior because when I’m depressed I just don’t care.
I know I’ve improved, I know lots of things are better, but I feel like my life sucks right now. Sorry to disappoint. I can’t even write a proper blog.
Positives: still mostly eating, still complying with no exercise, daily practicing my guitar, getting house chores done, staying busy, still able to be nice to people despite feeling angry and irritable all day long. Still willing, for the most part, to keep trying.