One of my journaling exercises a few weeks ago was a suggestion to write questions, just questions. They don’t need to be answered. It was an interesting exercise and quite freeing in a way. I chose to do mine on my chronic pain.
Do I feel I deserve the pain I have? The physical pain? The emotional pain? Do I hide from how I really feel, with flowery, lofty words saying, “I’d rather have the pain then another because I can handle it.”?
Or do I feel I deserve it? Do I relish in the punishment of pain because I can finally feel on the outside how I feel on the inside? Do I feel I’m finally getting what’s do me?
Has the physical pain replaced the practice of self harm that I let go of years ago?
Why do I say that pain is clean? Is it because it just is? Is it that physical pain doesn’t have the baggage that emotional pain has? Does that make it easier even when it isn’t?
If all this is true, why do I run from it? If it’s so much easier to embrace, why do I avoid activities that excacerbate it? But I don’t, do I? Don’t I cause more pain when I exercise? Doesn’t that give me the excuse to say, “See, look what I did to myself; the pain isn’t chronic, it’s really just my fault. I’m wrong, I deserve what I do to myself, why fight it, embrace it.” hmmm?
Am I left saying something like this to myself?
Embrace pain, be pain…. if all I am is pain, I’ll be free.