Feeling everything!

Oh my god, I’m so overwhelmed! I suddenly got my taste buds back so flavors I hadn’t tasted in known memory are overwhelming me and honestly scaring me. My anorexic self is scared that if I like food I’ll eat more which, of course = fat – yikes!!!! The other things are that I’m feeling more emotionally, experiencing everything greater like smell, brightness, hearing… everything. With fibromyalgia one of the issues is over stimulation of all the senses. I hadn’t really experienced that beyond bright lights and sometimes to loud sounds but wow, now I know what they mean and it is too much. I’ll have to spend more downtime for sure, much more.

At my last nutrition appointment she asked was my self care looked like. Ummmm….. errrrrr….. So she told me I need to spend 20 minutes, 3 times a day resting, even if that is simply laying down and closing my eyes. No exercise whatsoever (my experiment failed), and eat my entire meal plan which she added to!! I also need to severely decrease my caffeine. What????? So this is the deal on caffeine: it builds up the cortisol on the body. When the cortisol is high the body reacts with fight, flight, freeze mode and holds on to fat, stopping lean tissue formation. Another yikes. She told me to pour my red bull down the drain when I mentioned I had more at home. Apparently it’s contributing to my lack of sleep. Caffeine, no matter what time we stop drinking it, builds up in the body. We can fall asleep, out of exhaustion but once the body is somewhat rested, a few hours into the night, the caffeine wakes us up which could explain my 330 am wake up. Hmmmm…. So Tuesday and Wednesday I naturally got rid of my Red Bull by, yeah, drinking it. Yesterday I did rest one time, Tuesday I didn’t at all. Last night I got 4 ½ hrs of sleep but feel fine this morning.

Meds – the reason I probably feel fine is I stopped my antipsychotics. Since I’m stable on the tegretol I asked if I need the stelazine anymore. I’ve been a wee bit depressed for weeks now so thought that eliminating those would help. Well, well…. I’ll have to see how it goes over the course of a few days but I’m feeling GREAT, which any bipolar person can translate to as manic. I’m even typing faster, lol. Also adding “lol” to my writing even though it’s 5 am. Is this just a kick back effect though? When a person stops antidepressants, there is always a kickback depression that has to be tolerated. Most people then go back on the meds, many people need to, but some don’t. One has to ask if the damage caused by depression is worth it. For me, it isn’t; “damage” includes relationships, self care and so forth, so I’ll stay on the bipolar depression stabilizer.

I have a therapy appointment this morning and when I go into it manic I get absolutely nothing done so I’m thinking I ought to do this experiment starting tomorrow and take an antipsychotic right now… be right back… done, also dumped my coffee. I don’t need coffee when I’m this up. I think I’ll take advantage and go clean my house. That’s really the only advantage to the upswing, everything else is behavior that requires damage control which is why I hate mania.

Therapy – I saw my therapist yesterday and we reviewed my stuff from treatment to develop some kind of treatment plan. I was super anxious, tearful and angry though the whole session. She is the one who explained my heightened senses. My therapist is very gentle and caring but I felt like everything she said was an attack. I was also very anxious because I weighed myself and had gained. Literally everyone is telling me to get rid of my scale. Enough already! I want to yell at them, “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I am perfectly clear on what it is doing? Don’t you think I know that the weight on the scale doesn’t show the health of my body???” Okay, moving on. I usually have a terrible time after therapy and am more at risk of behavior. I decided to go to a coffee shop right afterward and journal. I didn’t yesterday because my schedule didn’t allow it but am planning on doing it today (I see my therapist twice a week). I’ll have to tote my lunch with me and eat it along the way or I risk setting my schedule off making it hard to eat everything. Yesterday I did restrict and ended up making up for it in the evening then purging. Seriously? Is that what it is coming to??? I need to go to iOP but it’s a waiting game to hear from anyone. I hate being in limbo. The insurance said they’d cover it but the provider has to contact them. The provider said they would but when I called the insurance yesterday there was no notes. I have to go on the notion that I won’t be going and just make the best of it.

I already feel my meds kicking in so had better go clean my kitchen while I have the energy and notion to do it.

ps. updated crochet and baking pages 🙂

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