I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about why they never gave me an answer as to why I was being discharged when I was clearly not ready. I don’t understand. The damaged part of me is interpreting it as them wanting to get rid of me. I tried so hard but clearly they saw through me and just wanted me out of there. It wasn’t about insurance they just decided it was time for me to go and here I am now, every night one failure after another. It doesn’t matter how much I talk to my therapist or use the tools I’ve learned or stay social or anything. I’m never going to get better. I’ll always have an eating disorder. At least that is what it seems like. 

Tomorrow I’ll try picking myself back up and starting again. That’s what recovery is like for me: falling, picking myself up, falling, picking myself up, on and on and on. A relapse happens when I’m too tired to pick myself up anymore. 

I don’t know, what’s the point of all this anyway….. what’s the point of me….. what’s the point…

9 thoughts on “Failure

  1. It is not a failure, it’s a process and you will pick yourself up, maybe not tonight, but you will. Treat yourself to some luxury that you deserve for all your hard work and start again tomorrow… You are amazing and inspiring. You’re allowed to fall, but that doesn’t change how awesome you are. You can do it!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So sorry to read this. Being discharged when you’re not read is understandably going to leave you reeling. I hope you’re doing a little better today, and even though there’s nothing I can really say to help, I wanted to send you a big hug. Be gentle on yourself, take things a little at a time, and remember that things can and will get better when you ride out the ups and downs. Thinking of you..x

    Liked by 1 person

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