Here I am again, at one my favorite coffee shops, decaf in hand. “Decaf?” You gasp. Well, yeah, I’m up at 3 am so already have had a couple cups of coffee. Plus I’m bipolar and too much caffeine will set me toward mania. And against myths of decaf not tasting the same, it does. I like the taste of coffee. If people perceived it tasting different, that is their brain doing it and the brain is a powerful organ so… sorry folks, decaf tastes fine if it is properly made, at least at this coffee shop and Tim Hortons, a local drive-through addiction most Buffalonians have. The other great thing is that this coffee shop sells mugs which, when brought back, gets a discount. It’s a real mug, ceramic, handle, etc. I also get another discount making my coffee $1.36!
Okay, back to the point of this post. I’ve amazingly been following that calorically abundant meal plan. Well, to be totally truthful I did skip the pita chips I was supposed to eat with the hummus. I’d be shocked if she noticed but secretly hope she does, sigh. Yesterday I did the long way around walking. It’s so hard to see it as exercise but it is. I live in a large complex, on the 3rd floor. I walk the length of the 3rd floor, then the 2nd floor, then the 1st floor… a 7 minute walk times however many times I do it, when done at a decent pace, plus stairs. I did it this morning too and feel a little light headed right now but maybe that is because of all the layers I’m wearing. Hang on…. oh, that’s better. I took off layer #3. They have the fire going too. I like to walk, I feel better when I walk. I see Carolyn tomorrow morning. I will ask if it made a difference in my body comps then decide. I don’t think it will but then I didn’t think the little exercise I did these past weekends made a difference either. Maybe they didn’t. Maybe it was only the restriction. Maybe I’m starting to justify my thinking again. Maybe I’m giving into behavior because I seem to be pathetic at using tools to manage my stress. And yeah, these are all listed as early warning signs. How can I have early warning signs just 3 days out of treatment?
I feel huge. I look huge in the mirror, whatever the reality is. My mirror sucks. My therapist, on Thursday challenged me to not weigh myself till Monday morning, before I have my appointment. I agreed so of course I feel I am gaining and gaining and gaining. I haven’t worked on self talk at all so the old, “you’re a fat pig,” still pops out periodically. My desire to fail and go back into treatment where it’s safe (ironically) is strong. I can’t go back in though – insurance. The other reason is the risk of becoming institutionalized which happens with long term treatment. It makes it super difficult to function in the outside world. There was a girl who came into treatment when I was about ½ way through. She came from residential and I could tell she was a victim of that. She left after a week because at Sol Stone we don’t weigh and measure our food. There were other reasons too but she ended up going into another residential. Her reasons to the staff and to her parents were whatever they were but the truth of the matter is she wanted to continue some semblance of her ED. It was so sad because she’s only 19.
Maybe I need to go to something like a PHP even if it’s unrelated to eating disorders. The VA used to have one. It was for mental illness and addictions. The problem is eating of course. I’d have to bring all my food I suppose. Well, never mind. Enough of this topic. I hope I can have a more positive post at some point.
One of the benefits of having better nutrition is being able to read again – yay! This morning I brought two books with me and a hand out the yoga/meditation instructor gave me. I can’t do traditional yoga because no matter how I do it, I hurt afterward, hurt a lot. Oh, did I mention that yesterday and today my pain level is quite high? Both nights it woke me up and propelled me out of bed to get some relief. Laying down just hurts, period. Walking probably didn’t help if I’m going to honest. The pamphlet is an article on something called: LifeForce Yoga Program, for treating depression. I’ll give a review if it warrants more comments. The other two books:
The Courage to Heal by Andrew Seubert
Andrea’s Voice by Doris Smelter
The first book is “a practical guide to the power and freedom of emotional honesty”. Since I have very little experience with understanding or even wanting emotions, but nevertheless feeling them, I’m hoping this books helps. Flipping through it, it looks like an ideal book for me, especially coupled with DBT emotional regulation.
The second book about a girl named Andrea who died from bulimia. On the cover it says “Her story and her mother’s journey through grief toward understanding.” There are many entries from Andrea’s journal along with her mother’s comments. Her mother freely admits to simply not ever knowing, till Andrea told her, then not knowing what to do, saying the wrong thing, and feeling helpless through it all. I can hardly put the book down! All numbers and such have been removed since her mother wants to help people understand rather than give them ammo to trigger their EDs. Even though I have anorexia, much of the eating disorder thinking is the same. Just because anorexics and bulimics seek different expressions of emotion and anxiety regulation, we both have similar eating disorder thoughts, fears, and all that accompanies that.
Perhaps reading these this morning will spur me on to a better day today.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.