I ended up doing a short walk on Saturday, and restricted the whole weekend… it’s really all I know and the little bit of data I got was not enough. I hadn’t had a chance to talk with the nutritionist who I will be seeing after treatment. She has all the details, not just a summary.
Tuesday the nutritionist in the program, Bruce, let me know that my lean muscle tissue is, in fact, better so yay for that. It is the only thing that is better though. The metabolic testing showed no improvement. He assured me though that it takes time, lots of time and to be patient. He strongly stressed the need for consistency and complete compliance. He said that every time I returned from the weekend my progress was stalled. He also asked how I felt I was doing emotionally. I didn’t really know, “a little improvement I suppose,” I said. He saw me once a week and said that over the course of time saw a vast improvement. He told me that actually likes being around me now. In the beginning, being quite blunt, he wanted to slap me. It was difficult to be around me. It’s so hard to see my own progress. He compared it to when he was a child and was told he needed glasses. He thought everything was fine till he looked through a new pair of glasses and saw a whole new world. That is how much I have changed, according to him.
Monday I had a meeting with the nutritionist who started Sol Stone, Carolyn, the one who will also be following me weekly, as mentioned. She said that my stats are quite clear and disturbing. There is something called a Phase Angle which shows the hydration of the cells. Each cell in our body has fluids both in and outside of them. Mine has more fluids outside than inside. That means the cell walls are week. The Phase Angle shows the level of cell death. Mine is twice as bad as when I came into the program. She said that what it was when I was admitted was terrible and now it is worse than that. It’s supposed to be 7 (I’ll just say numbers without decimals since I don’t remember them). It was 4 when I came in and 2 now. At 4 I was aging twice as fast. At some point during the program I was up to 5 but then after each weekend it start decreasing more and more. She said that I have the potential still to increase but that with continued behavior I am losing that ability. If I don’t change, at some point my cells won’t be able to recover and I’ll feel sick for the rest of my life, however long that would be in such a condition. Seriously, that is what I needed to hear.
She also created a meal plan, one that is like twice the calories!!!!!!!!!!!! I am at a normal weight already and this will make me gain. She is pushing protein like crazy. She said she doesn’t care about weight at this point. Her only concern right now is keeping me from permanent damage, or worse, dying. Bruce said that my weight will level out. I simply don’t believe him but they both have years and years of experience. I have to trust the process but I don’t. Since I can’t trust it, maybe I’ll just surrender to it for now.
I had a wonderful discharge ceremony. I thought I was more or less ready. I mean, I didn’t think I was but I had accepted that it was time. I now realize I should have stayed one more week, came home for a weekend and completely stocked my shelves with food to see how I would do. I have not had stocked shelves in years, yes, years. I was overwhelmed with being home and ended up purging. It was horrible and defeating. I’m going to suggest to Carolyn, when I see her, the recommendation of what I should have done. Having all this medical knowledge, knowing that malnutrition will effect my health, my already diminished bones… all of that… none of it made a difference. I didn’t have anyone to call. I basically freaked out.
This morning, upon reflection, I did have people I could have contacted but in the midst of anxiety they didn’t come to mind. I will have to put out my list of people, in plain view, for future difficulties. I’m back on track this morning, so far. I told Carolyn that I’m a grazer. Three meals a day with 3 snacks doesn’t work for me. She was fine with that. She was even fine with no fruit or veggies. When I was at my worst I only ate pure protein and fat. I allowed fat because I know that you can’t burn fat without eating fat and I wanted to burn as much fat as possible. What a surprise to find that because of restriction, the only thing I was burning was (a) muscle and (b) grey matter in my brain. She said I can eat all the fruit and veggies I want but it would be above and beyond what her plan is for me. So yeah, no thank you. I’m eating 8 times a day: 2 small meals and 5 snacks. I start at 4am (since I get up so early), 7am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, and finally 730pm. Protein at every meal, sometimes doubled. Ugh. You can’t even know how full I am all the time. I do use digestive enzymes, introduced to me when in treatment, which help. My system still doesn’t digest at a normal rate. Damage, damage, damage.
Oh, started new meds for bipolar stability and increased another for depression. I feel much better, thank goodness! I’ll update that later. This post is already too long.
It’s a little after 8am. I ate at 4 and 7am. My next meal is a protein shake which I’ll take with me to my appointment. It is a whopping amount of protein so it takes me a while to drink it. I drank it quickly the first time and ended up with a terrible stomach ache. I got a different kind this time so maybe it won’t be as bad. One can hope, lol.
I’m going to stay busy and stick to my plan today. That is my intention for the day.