Here I am, at home once again. I left early yesterday. One group ended, the was 15 minutes till snack and I couldn’t see sitting around doing nothing when I could have been driving so I grabbed a snack (and dinner) for the road and headed out. And yeah, the drive is long enough for me to have both snack and a meal while still driving!
One thing that had come up in community meeting yesterday morning was about feeling emotions. Claire said, “Express, don’t suppress; the way is always through, not through repression.” Well, I was feeling fear and lots of it but this time I allowed myself to feel it. And, like they all kept saying, it passed. It came back, passed, came back… like waves. When I suppress emotions I feel like they will consume me so it was an interesting experience to see that no, they won’t. Yes, it was hard, but I didn’t feel it 100% all day long. This morning I still feel that fear but not as strong. It might be because I’ve kept myself busy too.
I feel different this morning. Maybe IFS does help. Yesterday Claire and I were looking at the anorexic part of myself. What does anorexia do for me, not just like anxiety and stuff, but really do? It’s like this behavior has been protecting me from the world, as well as from facing the pain of my past. In previous attempts at recovery I made the it an enemy, but now I realize that anorexia, and all the various behaviors, was simply a protector of sorts. The eating disorder really did help me survive. Maybe I ought to have compassion for that aspect of myself that is simply trying to help me manage the world. I have to tell you, it took 6 weeks to even understand the concept of compassion toward myself. I still struggle with that but having compassion for a part of myself, well, that I can do. It’s a start.
First, no exercise, none, not even a hint. I asked for stats and got them. Basically my bones in my spine are in terrible condition. The doc finally explained, using a graph, where I am in relation to everyone else (standard deviation scale). So, like 95% (+) people have better bone density then me. Because I’ve been exercising periodically through out treatment, I’ve been daily losing lean tissue, meaning its worse then when I got here, which effects bone health, making that worse. Everytime I do a leg lift or lift a weight, or anything, I put myself at greater risk. So that is why my top priority for this weekend is to not exercise. I can’t express how hard that will be.
Equally as important is eating my meal prescription. I have to, have to, have to get it into my head that food is medicine for me and just as I take my meds for other stuff, I have to eat food for my body. If you’re an anorexic or a recovered anorexic, I don’t have to explain how hard that is. If you’re not, just know it is hard.
I have a lot of things on my list like baking bread (from scratch of course), starting a puzzle, finishing watching House since it’s being removed from Netflix (grrr), clean, etc. Over the weekend I will begin catching up with everyone’s posts since I left early Feb but that will take some time so please be patient.
Oh, one more thing… if you pray or chant, or whatever… could you put some positive thoughts toward my getting into a step down IOP: The Healing Connection. It’s still quite far but drivable for sure. The person at Sol Stone inquiring for me still hasn’t heard back and I’d like to start as soon as possible after discharge, assuming its covered by insurance, or I could get a scholarship. Thanks!!!