Losing hope despite achievements 

It’s Monday morning. I’m sitting here at Hoffman House, back from my first weekend home. What did they expect? Did they expect me to miraculously use my new skills and succeed? Did they expect some set backs but also progress? Seriously…. did they expect I’d at least put forth an effort? 

I told them several times that I do well in structured settings so would appear to be well enough even though I’m not. Their answer was to ask if I’d like to find a structured day program, aka daytime psych ward, to do when I returned. Really?! I’m done with psych wards so no way. Besides, how would a day program help me when I have ED behavior? Ugh, I knew I’d fail. However, I did not do it as a self fulfilling prophecy. I did hope I’d make it. 

Each Friday we do a mini-wrap to plan our weekend. It consists of our daily maintenance, routines, possible vulnerabilities, action plans and so forth. My goal for the weekend was to “get through it without expectations of being perfect or being terrible but something in between“.  I listed tools I used while here, tools that seemed to help, at least some times. Did I use any tools at all this weekend? Only one: calling the Sol Stone help line. Sadly it was the one staff member that couldn’t help. She’s the IFS person so it was parts this and parts that. Useless. Even though I seemingly embraced IFS a couple weeks ago, I realize now that it will be useless in the real world. 

So how was my weekend? Well, waking up in my own bed cued me to my old routine: weigh myself then go for a walk. I did weigh myself and wasn’t upset at the weight. I could actually be okay at what they have me at. That relieved my anxiety (a negative anxiety reduction tool😔) enough to forego exercise but the urge was a level 5 on a 0-5 scale. I went out to breakfast with a friend then came home and walked to the post office. It was close by but will obviously count as exercise to the staff. Went to Plato’s Closet and got leggings and sweaters – best clothes for an eating disorder program by the way. I didn’t intentionally miss my snack but got home at lunch time. I ate it cold at the counter like I used to. I did some reading, I had snack but it was minimal. I substituted a tuna packet for 2 Spoonfuls PB (not supposed to weigh and measure), big caloric difference. I thought I ought to call the help line. Took an hour to sort through doing that but I did. What I needed was a hard hand to say to get off my butt and eat but no, it was the Parts therapist. Granted she’s the director of Sol Stone but her approach didn’t help. I did eat dinner but had a meager snack. 

Sunday morning I woke up and did my old morning routine. I got in a 45″ walk before my back pain stopped me. Plus I did some weights. Surprisingly I’m not sore this morning but sometimes it takes 48 hrs to manifest. Working out though puts me at risk for back and next spasms which threatened me all day yesterday as well as this morning. I continued the day as I would have before but not extreme like before admission. I did eat after all but probably not enough. I went out to eat with another friend and that was super filling and loaded with calories so I’m figuring it all evened out in the end. 

I couldn’t stand being at home any longer so left at 1pm to visit with my new friend from the Center who was discharged 2 weeks ago. I got there a little after 330pm. She helped with my discharge wrap and gave me words of encouragement. Once back at Hoffman House I did eat 2 big spoonfuls of PB and was annoyed with myself for doing that. 

I got 5 ½ hrs of solid sleep though – yay! I needed that although I’m hitting the insomnia wall right now. Insomniacs will know what I’m talking about. Two to three hours after sleep, no matter how restful, I hit a wall of fatigue. 5 ½ hrs may seem a decent amount but studies upon studies show that a minimum of 7, better yet, 8 -9 hrs of sleep is needed for normal human functioning. A person can cancel the incurred sleep debt if they makeup lost sleep within two weeks. However, I’ve been an insomniac so long I can’t remember when I got more then 5 ⅓-6 hours. Going back to sleep when that wall hits seems a good idea, doesn’t it? I’ve tried, once I’m up I’m up. When the sun comes up I’ll feel better. Unfortunately due to daylight savings time the sun won’t arrive for another 1 ½ hrs. Coffee producers love insomniacs, 😄😄😄. 

Despite my tragic fail this weekend, they’ll be sending me home for a 3 day weekend next, then discharge next week, scheduled on the 22nd. 

Can you see why I’m discouraged? Can you see why my hope has diminished? Maybe I’ll make it… I can’t tell the future, but it’s a dim outlook as of this morning. 

6 thoughts on “Losing hope despite achievements 

    1. I tell others this but perhaps it can be for you and me this time:
      “Once by inc, everything’s a cinch;
      Yard by yard, everything’s hard!”

      It’s all still hard actually but perhaps it’s better to be an inchworm at this stage of the game. 😉

      Like

  1. What medications have you tried for the insomnia? I was an insomniac for 18-years (and an untreated manic depressive), but when I finally saw a doctor, he prescribed a low dose of Seroquel (50mgs). I’ve been sleeping 8-hours a night ever since.

    Your first weekend home since getting into the program is always the most difficult. Your expectations met reality. Now you know what to expect when you get home… it’s a test, but not a “pass/fail” kind. Don’t be discouraged, you’re in the program for you, not your family and friends. Reading your past posts proves you’ve been learning the coping mechanisms you’re going to need to survive and live back in the real world.

    It’s not unusual to feel discouraged, however. When I first got into treatment I thought everything would be better on the outside as well. It’s like, we finally get some insight into the disease, and expect to either be able to teach the people in our lives all about it, or they’ll magically get some understanding because reasons.

    But it doesn’t work like that. We’re not very good teachers, and there is no magic cure for their ignorance. According to your updates, you’ve been doing remarkably well in treatment, don’t let one weekend home bring you down.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, and your comment on my about page. I’ve been tormented on no support when I return but I do have support here, lots of people rooting for me. When I come home this weekend I’m going to catch up with everyone to rebuild that sense of community. I haven’t been on my reader since I got into treatment feb 6th. It’s too long of a program and I’m generally beat up by the end of the day to put enough attention into reading others updates with the attention they deserve.

      I also haven’t been reaching out to the other patients here. The ones I was close to have all discharged. To have a friend I must be a friend – ha, great blog post title!

      I’m feeling sorry for myself as well. Plus one of the staffs therapeutic style is undermining what I might think will help. I have to realize that not everything works for everyone and do what I think is right.

      I’d like to be a good example to those who were just admitted too, but also staying honest so perhaps that will be my intention for the day.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Oh, forgot to answer your first question. The only thing I take is 20mg (max) of melatonin. It never worked for me till I found out the max dose. I fall right asleep with it and generally stay asleep with my apnea oral appliance plus Tylenol for pain. I just don’t get enough hours and my BP meds plus fibro diminish R.E.M. Sleep so I’m tired all day. I’ve tried every medication in existence it seems and they simply don’t work. I can function on 5 ½, 6 is better, so live with that. Last night I got 6! I’ll still hit the wall, I’ll still feel tired, but psychologically I feel better for having it. 👍😊

      Liked by 1 person

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