Imagine you’re in elementary school. It’s PE (physical education) time, the time you dread especially when team sports are involved. You stand there as the captains pick teams. Person on your left, one on your right at the end, another on your right, again on your left, and so on. One more time you are left standing as the last or second to the last picked. That’s how I feel and it’s the stupidest thing ever. I think it’s because I’m so raw with emotions that even long buried feelings of alienation are coming to the surface.
There are 3 girls; they call themselves the 3 musketeers. They are always going out to Barnes and noble for coffee, or to a spa, or to, well, anywhere. They are nice to us (the apparent losers) but never invite us or hang out with us. They’ve all worked hard at not having to attend the Saturday program so they can go do their own thing, more exclusivity. They are the “popular” kids so to speak. It’s like high school or junior high all over again. The new girl got enveloped by them. She’s a successful woman, artist, quirky, etc. The leader of the click is a lawyer, the other two students.
I know, in my rational mind, that they aren’t a click, that they gravitate to each other based on personality, etc. They probably know I would most likely not go since I have to go to bed early. They are probably being respectful of my space. They simply don’t like Leah, the one who left, and by the way, came back thank goodness. The others in the house are not even on their radar and that’s fine. But the truth of the matter is it still hurts. That small child in me cries at being left out again and again and again. Maybe this is good as it brings up a feeling that contributes to one of my biggest issues: feeling like a bother. I don’t feel worth the space I take up, my tendency is to sacrifice myself so that the other person aren’t inconvenienced. I do this emotionally as well as physically. Honestly, it gets exhausting and requires loads of, “I’m sorry,” statements, which annoys everyone. No wonder I’m left out. I’d probably be included if they knew me outside this program because my personality is fun and uplifting but inside this place, they see the raw ugliness of my core. It’s fine, I’m a home body anyway. More for therapy.
Last evening I had a great discussion with the L’s left in the house after the musketeers left. L’s: Lexy, Lincoln, Leah. I would have missed out on that and it was a chance to finally get to know our new guy attendee. So see? It’s all good. Actually it’s even better because it brought up memories I can address in individual therapy. It’ll still hurt as the musketeers constantly mention their exclusivity but now I know it’s past me, not present me.
I’m still struggling terribly with the food. I know others are too but I seem to be the only one outwardly showing it. They started me on gluten this week, as well as veggies. I find I’m dousing everything with salt which is ED behavior – yay, something else to deal with… ugh. The nutritionist said because I’m older it will take longer to heal the damage to my GI system so bloating, pain and discomfort will be the norm for quite some time. I take enzymes at every meal to help with digestion, as well as probiotics in the morning. I lack in drinking water sohave been challenged to add 1 cup a day. The issue is that I’m so full that adding water is too hard and also, I drink 3 cups of soy milk a day. The other is that I fear it effects the scale even though I never see my weight. So yeah, completely irrational. Water would help with digestion and fatigue too but it’s a habit, a habit I have to break.
The skills are really the way for me. I study them every morning to get to know them but there are a lot. I still struggle with accessing them when I’m distressed. They will help but still, it’s difficult. Practice, practice, practice.
With the IFS therapist, not my primary, we are no longer talking about parts or aspects or any of that. I asked about EMDR and she said okay. She helped me find a safe place to focus on then helped me to solidify that inside. What’s more, she showed me a technique to pat my shoulders with cross arms, when on my own, to bring that place of calm back. It’s hard to explain the process to people who haven’t done EMDR so forgive me for not taking the time.
So that’s it for now. I need to get into my homework. It’s already 440am and I usually start at 3 (yes, insomnia continues). Others get up who are disruptive and just don’t respect my space which, on reflection is okay since maintaining relationships is also important.
Cheers for now…