Monday we do art therapy. It’s never easy but today it was my own personal nightmare. I don’t do well with the concept of a purpose so when that was the prompt I kind of had a melt down. I’m already in a constant state of vulnerability so it really doesn’t take much to set me off.
A huge problem is that I simply don’t have an identity. I don’t have a purpose, I can’t even think of one because I don’t feel I’m worth the space I take or the care people have for me or any of that. I got really angry with this prompt and left the art room. I ended up in the alcove of the group room and cried and cried. I felt such a loss, so devistated by having to face one of my worst fears – revealing that I’m nothing.
I went back into the art room, took my paper and crumpled it into a ball then laid it flat. That was my art piece. I have no purpose. I’m just a broken thing wasting space.
My turn came to share at art therapy process. Well, well. I about lost it completely. Then something wild happened. One of the other girls came across the room and sat by me with her arm around me the whole time we processed my picture. I was raw and shared from whatever place in me that has been hurting my entire life. Everyone rallied around me and gave me unbelievable feedback. They said my crumpled picture took more space than anyone else’s because it had dimension to it, not just flatness. They said it had facets like diamonds; twists and bends that caught the light in certain ways. They said it had so much potential.
One of the therapists had mentioned early on during that group that perhaps our greatest fear is also our deepest longing. That rang so true for me in all this. My greatest fear is connection with others. My deepest longing is also connection with others. There’s a constant push pull, not just with this but other opposites too. He suggested that I try holding all of it instead of trying to either walk in fear or else longing. Carry it all together.
After giving some thought, later of course, I realized that my bipolar experience could finally be of some use. People with bipolar are always walking the middle road between mania and depression. It’s not always easy but it’s doable. I have all these dual natures. Maybe I can find some way to walk in the middle, like I do with bipolar.
What a load off my back. Obviously I wasn’t able to share everything that was said but this is the gist of it. I felt so much more relaxed after that. Yeah, the food was still hard but when I got back to the house, I was doing just fine.
What a day!! Tomorrow I meet with the doctor to talk about these meds, and I meet with the nutritionist who will determine the fate of my next week.
I hope I can get some time to catch up with everyone’s blog. I apologize for being lazy about it. I’m just exhausted after 10 hours in program.
Ugh, fell asleep twice while trying to finish this. That means bed time! 😂