Tomorrow is the beginning of week 3. A new person will be coming in – a guy. That’ll be different. He’ll be living here at Hoffman House too. I’m trying not to think about it. He was supposed to be here last week but had to finish something up at the university he attends. Last week we got another person in on Tuesday. She’s very private. She reads or has headphones on during meals even. Not sure why they allow that. It was interesting to see the process. She was nervous but open to the whole process right off and even ate her first meal just fine. I knew none of that would last and over the course of two days her confident sense of control crumpled. She’s very quiet about freaking out though, unlike me.
When I’m faced with a challenge like eating chocolate chips even though I knew in my heart of hearts I had an allergy to sugar, I’m a bucket of tears. I think my main expression at meal times is shell shocked. Fortunately we sometimes play word games and such to help us get through. When I see people leaving food on their plate though it really bothers me. I tried once because the edges of my flat bread were stale: showing the nutritionist my plate, “Is this okay?” and her response, “I think you know the answer to that.” Well yeah, one can hope though, lol.
They essentially think all my food allergies are simply eating disorder behavior, except the lactose intolerance. They even want me to try gluten again then take the test for celiac disease. That will start Tuesday I believe. I’m sitting here thinking about it quite rationally but when the food is in front of me… yikes.
It’s so humbling to think that everything I was sure was a real medical condition could all be behavior. It’s shocking really, and a bit much to think about.
This past Saturday I did shockingly well though. On Saturdays we go out to do something fun then go somewhere to eat. I ordered a roast beef on gluten free bread with vegan cheese. And I ate all of it. Wow. I just didn’t want to make a scene like the previous Saturday. Today I’m not doing as well. I ended up exercising in the morning. I should have woke up the RA but she was sound asleep and I didn’t want to bother her. And I wanted to exercise. I also cut back on portion sizes. It’s so stupid really because it’ll make it harder to eat full portions tomorrow in the program. There’s no getting away with anything and I wouldn’t want to anyway. They do our body comps everyday so they know. We fill out a data sheet about the weekend with successes and behavior specifics. I don’t know why I do this to myself. What’s the point?
It was such a stressful weekend so maybe that played into it. One of the girls I made friends with left Saturday morning. I was up of course and the RA was hanging out with me. The girl came in and said she was leaving for good. She had already packed and everything. She wasn’t even going to come back to sign papers on Monday. I talked to her but she made up her mind. Those things happen I guess. Another girl I made a real connection with is also slowly transitioning out even though they recommend another 6-8 weeks. She’s staying only because if she leaves AMA she’ll have to pay for the whole thing. She’s sacrificing herself for her family essentially. It’s heart breaking. It’s also life.
I’m staying though, for as long as I can. I’m a mess even after 2 weeks. It takes time and I hope that I can get it together before my time is up.