I started this post last week so will add notes where pertinent if changes made since then.
Okay, I said I’d update regularly but wow, I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. I’ve been too tired, mostly emotionally, to get online at all. I’ve been getting much better sleep, ~ 5 hrs, sometimes 5 ½ even, but it’s starting to get rocky again. My moods have been out of control which, I suspect, is because I’m eating what they say is a normal amount of food.
Note: started an add on medication several days ago but I’m starting to have a lot more word and memory drops so might stop it. I’m seeing the doc on Tuesday. I’ll continue till then. It has significantly decreased the rapid mood swings. I suppose if I go off and the swings come back I can go back on and adjust to a newer, lower, cognitive function – oh joy.
Groups, groups, groups, meals, snacks, meals (5 at the clinic, 1 at the house), meetings with docs, tests, reviews….. I can go on.
This week I was able to attend a lot more groups, especially DBT which I really want to get in place. I’ve done it before so I know how useful it can be but forgot all of it over the years. My individual therapist is putting together a DBT diary card more suited to me that I can use each day. I haven’t learned all the skills yet but it’s a start. I’m replacing a lot of the behaviors like drug use, self harm and such which are listed to be checked off when Urges come up, with eating disorder behaviors like urges to restrict, exercise and so forth.
Note: unfortunately I lost the DBT cards I got from my therapist. I was using them each day looking for ways to modify. I must have left them at the clinic… but where?! I did find an excellent DBT diary card app. It was $4.99 but worth every penny. I still have nearly all the skills to learn in order to use the app but a little at a time, right?
We have poetry groups, journaling groups, focus groups and lots of other stuff too. Another type of therapy they do is IFS: internal family structure which, consequently, has nothing to do with actual families. It’s all the parts inside us: judgemental part, soothing part and so forth. The thing is I can’t work with those. I’ve spent years putting myself together and was afraid they’d pull me apart undermining years of therapy. My therapist said there’s some useful value but my gut feeling said otherwise. The IFS therapist though met me where I was at. We used the term aspect, as in an aspect of myself, which is closer to reality. The anorexia behavior is one aspect of who I am as a person, as well as the over exercising part. Instead of using they, in reference to parts I prefer ‘the thought processes’ which is, in fact, accurate. I have a lot of difficulties with analogies and idioms and IFS is one whole analogy to me. I think the premise of it is great but it kind of makes my brain explode.
We talked about over exercising in my IFS session On Thursday. The nutritionist, for some reason I can’t fathom, allowed me 30 minutes walk a day. I think it was because that was normal protocol and he hadn’t gotten to know me yet since he was on vacation the week I was admitted. I haven’t yet broken the compulsion to over exercise. I explained to the IFS therapist that exercise is very much like an addiction. If I do one crunch I have to do a 1000. The clinic is probably 20-25 minutes walk at a normal pace. Since they said 30 minutes, and I follow rules, I was doing 15 minutes there and 15 minutes back walking like a bat out of hell. I was actually crying Thursday on my way there because I knew I was hurting myself. If I was allowed to continue I’d end up doing permanent damage and possibly not being able to go for walks ever. Plus, it hurt emotionally because I knew it was harming me. Yes, I desperately want to walk so I don’t gain weight but what’s the point of being here? I hate that I my main motivation to exercise is burning calories and lowering my body fat percent. Any exercise no matter how much or little is about that right now. It has to be broken. I have to get past it so I can learn to exercise for health.
It’s even more important now. I had a bone scan and I now have osteoporosis. There’s no going back from that.
Things I’ve been diagnosed with that have directly related to over exercising: myofacial pain syndrome (permanent), carpal tunnel (fixed fortunately), osteoporosis (permanent), arthritis (progressive and permanent), and who knows what else. I’m getting a repeat EKG this week. Wonder why. My last one was normal… who knows. Maybe I’ll be able to add to that list, like that’s what I want….
next post: food