Day 5

First night I got 3 hours sleep, 2nd night I got maybe 1 so by Wednesday I was depleted and exhausted. It’s already hard enough to deal with all that is going on but to toss lack of sleep makes it nearly unendurable. Wednesday night my roommates went out of their way to help me get at least some sleep. They are amazing. One girl was leaving and she wanted to give me the gift of sleep before she left. We became insomnia sisters staying up all hours, punch drunk from sleep deprivation. I got 4 hours of sleep Wednesday & Thursday night and felt so much better. And last night I got almost 6 hours of sleep after moving to a room that was more quiet, cooler and darker.  I haven’t got that much in ages!!! 

The past 3 days have been extraordinarily difficult. The biggest issue for me is  anxiety which has been brought on mostly by food. It’s been difficult eating everything since, to me, it’s a lot. Some of the others are eating a lot more so I have to be cognizant that knowing at least I don’t have that much. It’s hard because I haven’t eaten that much in ages. Another good thing is everyone is eating something different.

     I’ve had a couple of anxiety attacks from doing prep in the kitchen. It didn’t have to do with having so many people in a small area but rather my issue with feeling like I’m a bother. That feeling is a major difficulty in my life. Other people’s space is more important. Whether it is or isn’t in reality is besides the issue. I’ve never dealt with that because I live alone and have loads of control over interactions. I think I’ll add this to one of my treatment goals. 

    Refeeding has been painful but the girls assured me it would be little easier as days pass. It has been easier to prepare the food, just not eat it. I do eat but it hasn’t been a smooth road. I’ve been breaking down on occasion but the girls come over and give me lots of support. I’ve even started bonding with a couple of them feeling almost like fast friends. 

    Going into the weekend is really really scary. We will be having a morning program/outing this morning then we are free the rest of the day and all day tomorrow. We did a prep group and everyone helped my sort together a plan. One difficulty is I barely made it to any groups this week because I kept getting pulled out for intakes, meeting with team members, doctor checks, and lab tests, at the hospital where, over the course of the week, I got an EKG, bone density scan, and blood work. It was like a whirl wind. 😬

    We did menu planning for the weekend too. That was super hard but I muddled through. From that plan we put together a grocery list then went to the local grocery store. We also picked out food from there for dinner. We paid for our own groceries but the clinic paid for dinner. The Hoffman House is separate from the clinic even though it’s just us from the program so we have to get our own food. It helps us to establish our own independence. I feel settled with my meal plan and made that one of my goals. We do have some supervision and a staff for support but it’s not like being at the clinic.  Oh, another thing is that they suggested rubbing my stomach with peppermint oil and I’ll be damned if that didn’t help with the nausea and discomfort from eating! They have digestive enzymes that we can take every meal to make it easier. I noticed a big improvement with that. 

    I am, of course, on exercise restriction so have to drive back and forth. Some of the girls walk back and forth from the house to clinic. Maybe at some point I can do that. I’ve been better at the house about asking the RA to sit with me so I can stay accountable. This morning I’m not with her but feel okay and have a much less urge to exercise. Plus I don’t particularly like her. The others are great. 

    I’m looking forward to the outing. The staff member, who everyone calls Mama, is taking us to Corning Glasswere. I think we are going to be making glass of some kind! We are also going out to eat. I feel a little bit better because of the overwhelming support of the other girls in the program. Plus, after program, I’m going to a ceramic shop to paint with another person here. I did that the other night and it was so relaxing! We have other activities planned plus I going to set my timer to check in with someone every couple hours so I don’t get too wrapped up in my head. 

    Vulnerability is a huge issue for me, if not the worst and that is exactly what some groups bring out. I shared a couple of times in the couple of groups I actually went to and as scary as it was, I felt safe because of the group. I’m fortunate to have these particular people here. The dynamic will altogether change this coming week because a man might be coming into the program and he’ll be staying at the house too! Yikes, co-ed! 😳 

    When I talked with the dietitian on Friday she threatened residential care because of my difficulties with compliance. No way am I doing that so although I think I’m working as much as I can I really must try harder. I talked with some of the girls about that and they validated my fears and difficulties so hopefully I’ll do better. If I go to residential I’m sure the VA won’t allow me to come back and that would ultimately result in my dying of anorexia so try, try, try. One girl said she sings a “chew” song when she eats. I think I’ll try that. I’ll use the word chew in place of that cat food commercial. Chew, chew, chew, chew…. chew, etc. hard to explain without singing the tune for you. I’m on my phone so linking… wait, I think this is it (can’t play it since everyone is still asleep): here 

    Coffeeeeee… I’m making my Sumatran coffee in the morning – yum, and they have a never ending pot on at the clinic. They have tea too but yay for regular coffee!

    I’m going to review my DBT manual after posting this. It’s confusing and meant to be done in a group but at least I’ll familiarize myself. Plus I want to keep tabs of what the big difficulties are all weekend so I can better plan for next weekend. 

    Back to my cup of coffee! ☕️ 

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