Okay, maybe someday I’ll sleep again, who knows.
Tuesday was a very tough day. I met with the head nutritionist, not just the one in the program, and found out she got permission from my nutritionist to do whatever they wanted. Wow. My nutritionist did say to honor the gluten free and lactose intolerance issues but nothing else!!! She warned me that if I went into a program I’d be fast tracked on the GI food issue. But like OMG! 😲
Carolynn, the one here explained that to heal my gut issues I had to, you know, eat food no matter how uncomfortable and distressing that might be. She said my obsessive eating disorder mind has made it about this one food or that one food, etc but it isn’t about any specific food – it’s about restoring gut health. Then she laid out a meal plan that was horrifying honestly. I mean, it’s a lot of food! I said that I’m a fairly normal weight so why is she making me eat so much. She responded that I am, in fact, significantly malnutritioned so the food is necessary to restore me back to a healthful state – that it has nothing to do with the number on the scale. Ugh. Fat. And why so much?!!!
However, I managed lunch, snack, dinner, and evening snack after that appointment. I don’t really know how – oh right, tears. They also have a bottle of digestive enzymes on the table that helps process the food so I take a couple of those before every meal. I think that has helped a little too.
I met with the therapist. Having had therapy for so many years and having just completed a long group therapy session he ran, I wasted no time with chit chat and we got right into it. It was very helpful I thought. I mean, I’m just so raw from everything that it didn’t take much for me to break down. I was completely honest about having no hope of recovery; so instead having faith in them that they can help change that. Having loads of experience though helped me to articulate what was going on so he could understand. We came up with a more or less reasonable treatment plan.
I’m so exhausted, just wiped out. After we left I went with a couple of girls to a ceramics shop where I did some painting. That was fun but then we went to Walmart after which was a disaster. It was getting late and all the walking around would certainly react like exercise in my body. But beyond the apparent opportunity to exercise, I just couldn’t. I’m too exhausted and so as a consequence I ended up hurting my back terribly. A hot shower helped but a late snack contributed to my being wide awake – again. I was up at that point for 24 hours. I did try to lie down again but it was a fail so here I sit, watching the coffee brew.
Coffeeeeeerr ☕️ …my best friend.
One thing I realized that feeling full for me isn’t about feeling fat. It’s about feeling fear, fear of vulnerability, fear of being seen, fears that I might feel relevant. I feel full all the time here because we eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. This morning I’m starting with full portions and a lot of them. I’m sure by the time I get to art therapy I’ll be ripe for whatever emotional exercise we’ll be doing.
Oh, my therapist lent me the workbook: Letting ago of Self Destructive Behavior. I read thru it all last evening and will take it back today. It seems a good book for someone just starting out on their journey, not a seasoned pro, so it isn’t for me. Till I see him again though I’m going to pay attention and write down a list of triggers. I’m so far removed from my body that other than feeling full, I simply don’t know them.
I’ll share the list when I finally have something to share. I’ve already got started.
I also got my EKG and was told I’ll be getting a bone density test. Fortunately I have a super healthy heart but my bones are probably decreased a wee bit. I will meet with the doctor today.
I’m coloring. I brought my crochet but find coloring to be the most calming. I’m currently working on this. As you can see I still have quite a bit to do. I want to finish it because one of the girls would love to have it. She’s leaving tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll get it done.