Day one complete 

Here I am early in the morning. I’ve been up since 1 am!! 😳 The bed is too hard for me so pain woke me up, then movement and probably simply being in a new environment. But the biggest factor was that it was way too warm, way way too warm. One reason I moved to my current apartment is the AC in the summer so I could sleep. I’m sooooooooo tired. 

Yesterday I had to do the intake and orientation. I can’t tell you how many anxiety attacks I had. I was panicking because they said I’d had to do snack and dinner and hadn’t talked with the dietitian yet. Then, doing the questionnaires and such, I couldn’t answer all the questions. They were confusing because they didn’t apply to me and I won’t simply put an answer down for the sake of finishing something, and I don’t like to be confused. I actually broke down crying over that, how stupid! I was starting to cry the first 5 minutes of getting there – just too overwhelming! 

The dietitian walked by so I mentioned my GI issues and fears. She had me write on a list things that I could eat; not things I would eat as an anorexic but rather, the things I could eat in the spectrum of my digestive problems. We talked briefly and I felt some relief. 

They gave me peanuts for snack and I was introduced to the rest of the girls. I’m not going to lie, it was a struggle but peanuts are on my okay list so it was manageable except the quantity. Afterward I continued with the intake history. Are you kidding me? We only got as far as when I was 20 so will continue today. I’ve had a complicated life! I didn’t make it to any groups so had some free time. I crocheted but then talked with one of the staff about dinner. I was very scared, more tears. She assured me she was making something I could eat but I haven’t eaten carbs for quite some time. 

Dinner was hard. I haven’t officially started with the dietitian so had something small. I appreciate that but still was sooooooooo full! Afterward they did a thing where everyone acknowledges other people’s success of their goals for that day – a kudos thing. Obviously I don’t know anyone so just had to say how I was doing. The other new girl said stuff like the anxiety of coming in to the program and her evening plans of unpacking. I said my day was filled with anxiety attacks and that I’m so full, the cried again. What a mess! Everyone was so supportive though. 

Afterward I drove to the Hoffman House where I’d be staying – more anxiety. I dragged my suitcase upstairs and, of course, hurt my back. I should have asked for help but wanted to burn the calories. The RA guided me through the paperwork and gave me a tour, and then I unpacked. I have a whole dresser which was perfect. I also have a little closet space (for my coat) and a small locker for valuables. 

I’m so tired…

We bring our evening snack home but I got the wrong thing. It gave me a stomach ache so I only ate ½. 

Today, Tuesday I meet with the rest of the staff I suppose and will also start in groups. The girls thought ahead and made me a space on the group room couch, even before I met them! 

I’m still shell shocked and terrified I’m going to gain like crazy. Eating won’t be easy today and that’s my biggest anxiety producer right now. The good thing is everyone eats something different. 

Okay, gotta go. 

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