Here I sit, 3 hours before I leave for treatment. I’m packed and ready to go. Am I taking too much, too little… these things bother me. However, I have my own car so I put extra in a bag in the truck, meaning extra shoes. I pretty much live in my Sorel Boots from October to April. I packed some slippers for the house. I was told that people take their boots off and walk around in socks during the program so that is what I’m planning. Therefore I’m taking all of my socks! This year I got a bunch of those fluffy ones you see sold everywhere. I’ll wear them over a pair of ankle athletic socks so my feet stay warm enough. In my (car) trunk I have packed extra shoes and clogs in case that doesn’t work out, or it warms up. I doubt it will warm up though since February and March, in this area, are still firmly winter months.
If I leave in 6 weeks I’ll be leaving 2 days before my birthday. I hadn’t realized that till I called my credit card company & bank to alert them of spending outside my normal living area.
I don’t have to be there till 1 pm so they said to have breakfast at home, after which I laughed. Okay, I do eat so perhaps that wasn’t so amusing? But still, it did hit me as ironic that they would mention to an anorexic that they ought to eat before coming, don’t you think? This morning I am being smart about it though. I’ve divided my portions into small amounts that I know I will keep down. I don’t want to drive depleted for 2 ½ hours. My store sells individual packs of peanut butter and almond butter so I might get one of those for the road, or not. Well, probably. Hmmmmm
I was happy with what the scale said this morning. I know I’ll probably never be that weight again but still… nice. Good send off I suppose. If it had been high I’d probably have an anxiety attack all the way there. They did say don’t lose anymore weight but looking back I’ve only lost 4 lbs since the assessment so that isn’t a lot in the scheme of things, in my opinion. However, it makes the total lbs I’ll probably have to gain, even higher.
There is one thing I’m looking forward to in recovery – the ability to concentrate. As I am writing this post I’ve gotten up at least 5 times to do others things as well as checking email, etc. I dare not get on Facebook before finishing! I’m so distracted!
I don’t really want to recover. I don’t want to eat anymore. I want to lose weight into oblivion. I want to stay numb. However, when I say I’m going to show up to something, I do. I know somewhere inside that those thoughts are irrational. I don’t want to ruin the life I have right now, which I rather like. It’s take a long long time to finally create a good life, have a good community, have friends that care and develop trust with my doctors. According to my nutritionist the way I’m currently eating will permanently change the chemistry of my blood which will lead to kidney failure and death. I don’t want to die and dying by way of kidney failure is awful. Another thing anorexia will do is change the way my body metabolizes my bipolar meds. I am on good meds with no alternative available at this point so I really don’t want to do threaten that. I’ve already created a pre-need contract for my funeral but it will take about 5 years to pay that off so really, I do need to get better. Some might find that morbid but I’m single, have chronic health issues, am not a spring chicken any longer so it’s simply the responsible thing to do to sort those things out.
Anyway… I ought to take my suitcase to the car before the neighbors wake up then I’ll sit and crochet awhile I suppose till it’s time to go.
Next update will be from the program. See you then!