3 days, 13 hours to go…
So what’s up with my weight? Right, yeah, it’s up!!! It shouldn’t be but I haven’t lost any weight in a week and the way I’m eating I should be down like 5 more lbs but no, nothing. Okay, maybe it means I’ve built some muscle and lost more body fat? I don’t think so since I stopped working out with weights. So the natural conclusion is that I’M FAT! Ugh… too fat to go into a program.
I know, I know, they specifically said not to lose anymore weight or I wouldn’t be allowed to go… I haven’t lost anymore weight so I’m going but I didn’t try to “not lose” weight. Of course I want to lose more weight! I know that is insane but I’m kind of insane right now. The anxiety is too high to handle, period. If I was losing weight I’d at least have that, even if it was a fraction of a lb. It probably means my metabolism has crashed and my body has quit working for me. That happens if a person drops their calories too fast.
You’re probably thinking, “why bother?” and “what’s the point?” I’m think you’re thinking that because I’m thinking that. It’s all just stupid because as soon as I get there they are going to be shoving food down my throat like wild beasts.
No worries, I’m sure the anxiety of what to pack will soon overwhelm all others. What should I wear? I might look good in this now but how will I look when I’m fat? Will it be cold there, hot, warm………… actually, packing is probably the easiest part. Lots of weeks long camping trips has helped with that.
I’m just stressed and gaining weight makes it intolerable.
Had a therapy appointment this morning; my last till I return. I sat there and cried. She asked what was going through my head but I didn’t know. Maybe it was that I couldn’t believe I got to this place again. Maybe it was my shame at wanting to be around people who care about me, maybe it was finally admitting that anorexia control isn’t all cracked up to what it ought to be and it seems like it’ll be a relief to finally let go. Um right, that thought will go away in like one minute after arriving no doubt!
I told her I feel so alone. Being alone and in control is one thing but being alone and not in control, and what’s worse, being aware I have no control… compounds it. Going some place where I’ll be surrounded by people who care sounds… ….. sounds…. I don’t know, inviting maybe? I’ve always been alone so don’t really know what I’m thinking or feeling.
After that I had a horrendous appointment at the dentist! Huge freaking mix up with 2 very important things. I was supposed to get a mouth guard to wear during the day because I even grind my teeth when I’m awake. And a new sleep apnea oral appliance since mine broke. Lack of sleep doesn’t make me a very nice person. I had a complete anxiety attack and lost it. I had 3 dentists in the room trying to figure it all out. Result, they made a guard in an hour while I waited, which is unheard of. They took all the impressions and measurements for the oral appliance. I won’t get that till after the treatment program but at least I’ll get it eventually. I have my old broken one that I’m wearing. It makes the difference of getting a solid 4 ½ hrs of sleep versus waking up every ½ hour for 4 ½ hours. See why I’m irritable?
So did I go home right after so I could calm down? Of course not! What were you thinking? I also have tinnitus so have to use a white noise app at night. Well, obviously I won’t be able to do that at the program unless I use earbuds. My glorious new iPhone 7 though has only one lightening plug so it’s either charge or listen, not both. I had to go to the Apple Store to see if they had some kind of splitter. When I first got my phone they didn’t have that – huge design flaw in my opinion. Fortunately they had one so I can plug my phone in and use the earbuds… $50 later.
Did I go home then??????
The Apple Store is at the mall, and so is Free People, my favorite clothes shop. So there I am, stressed to the max and on the anxiety edge. “I’ll just take a quick look at their sales rack.” Um yeah, finally got to my car with my iPhone splitter and bag full of Free People items. ED Treatment might be torture but at least I’ll look good doing it!
Yes, I finally went home!
So there I am relaxing, watching the new show Taboo, crocheting and what’s that? Oh no, seriously?! Someone set off the building fire alarm……………………….
Screw it, grabbed ear plugs, my phone and a book and went to the safe area (stairwell) and read.
NOW I’m home. I have my PJs on and after I post this I’m going to go snuggle up in bed and read.