I’ve been approved… finally. I hate dealing with any of that. The stress of it literally puts me over the edge. However, it’s a done deal. They approved for 6 weeks I believe and if I need longer, the coordinator said she could put in for that but I don’t think I will. However, if I do, I’ll stay. My therapists advice: “Don’t leave.”
I saw my nutritionist yesterday for the last time till I get back. Wow, that was difficult. She is wonderful. Her mom is the receptionist and I love her to death. I got teary eyed when I gave her a hug. I don’t understand why I care for her so much but I do. There’s a shared bond of some kind. I helped her out with advice regarding surgery and made her a little stuffed animal to keep at her side. She had two surgeries in the past year for lung cancer (although she’s never smoked) and I’ve had many. I also helped her get through various fears that everyone naturally has during post-surgery recovery. Beyond that, we would talk every week before my nutrition appointment. She’s probably 20 years my senior but because my body is so broken, I can relate to that peer group and get along wonderfully.
Okay, so the anxiety of getting approved is over. Now enters the anxiety of not knowing what to bring, what to do about my mail, all that. I called and left a voice mail but no one has gotten back to me. It’s now too late to put in a forwarding notice for my mail, ugh. A friend offered to pick it up each week and priority-send it to me. Maybe that’s a better way anyway. I just have to hope that nothing time sensitive shows up. I hate not knowing what to do! I don’t even know what time they want me to show up. It’s only Weds so obviously they have 3 days to get back to me but still. It’s not like I live at home and my parents can take care of everything; it’s also not like I have a partner who can attend to things; no, I live alone, I take care of everything myself.
I hate anxiety…
My nutritionist suggested deep breathing, etc. Like really? If I could have done that for the past few decades I wouldn’t be in this predicament would I? Obviously I told her just that. After weighing me she asked (rhetorically no doubt), “Don’t you think you’ve lost enough weight?” Well, no… obviously. I mean, I understand I’m going to have to probably gain at least 10/15 lbs, on the scale, just to accommodate all the body fat I’ve lost but instead of telling myself to stay where I am so it isn’t worse, I want to lose even more. However, my body has stalled on that so I’m probably stuck where I am till I go in. As uncomfortable as that is, at least my clothes are baggy! This time I managed to not go out and buy the next size smaller pair of pants. I tend to do that but then can’t wear them when I’m weight restored. There they are, torturing me. I would periodically try them on just to see, and for what? Too punish myself for gaining?
Things are not looking great right now. When I first relapse there is always a grace period of my feeling like I can manage everything and stay at a certain place. I never, for some reason, believe I’ll lose control. But inevitably I do. I have no control over my behavior right now. I am, in fact, rather ambivalent about the whole thing. I fluctuate between not thinking I have a problem to rationalizing that they wouldn’t insist on my being there if I didn’t. Anytime I try to control/manage my behavior, I have loads of backlash in the form of anxiety, panic, and so forth. I’ve decided to just be who I am in the moment, albeit sick, with the intention of getting through the next 5 days.
I went to the store for the last time this morning. I bought some extra creams and a travel container, plus extra vitamins and such. I don’t know what the protocol will be there and I figure I might as well have extras. I don’t need anything else at this point, although I don’t know what their list will be, for me to bring. I always fluctuate between too much and not enough. I’ll keep it simple.
Since it’s not impatient I’m hoping I can update my blog while I’m there. I assume I can but then again, this is a first for me in this type of program. Every program is different.
I haven’t talked about my main fear have I? The food, the eating… all that. That will be the one thing that keeps me there possibly longer than expected. I haven’t talked with the nutritionist so when I go, how will they know what to feed me initially? How will they treat me when I inevitably refuse certain foods. I am willing to follow their protocol and understand I’m going to be extraordinarily uncomfortable but there are certain things that are on the never ever list like sugar. When I eat sugar, even a tiny bit, I have gastric pain that goes all the way up my back to my neck. It will double me over. I react to fiber similarly but not to that extent. I’m scared… really, really scared. I’m glad to be going, at this moment, but am fairly certain I’m going to absolutely hate the pace within the first 3 hours of arriving.
I almost would prefer if I was going in today or tomorrow so I’d have less time obsessing over this fact. But today is Wednesday and my bed isn’t available till next Monday. I see my therapist today and tomorrow and then that’s it, no one till the program.