the wait….

I simply can’t stand the wait to hear whether I’m going or not! Today makes it 8 days away, 7 if I am allowed to get there a day early to settle in. I don’t know if I should start settling things here for leaving or not. I don’t know anything… the coordinator said not to worry, that it’s a done deal except negotiations but nothing is a done deal when dealing with insurance so until she says, “yes, you’re in,” my anxiety will be through the roof.

I’m worried, very worried that I may be too sick to go in as well. I don’t know what it’ll be like eating a full meal, something I haven’t done in ages. I can barely get down my meager amounts. If I feel even remotely full it leads to disaster. I try, I fail, I try, I fail… I can’t keep doing this.

Today, and this week, I’m just going to do what is familiar to me, for good or bad. I don’t really know how else to cope. I mean, my therapist talked extensively about how it would be helpful to develop an ability to tolerate being uncomfortable and it would be better to start this process before I go in, but my tolerance is approximately zero! So then when I fail, I feel bad. When I fail again and again and again, I feel worse. Do I continue to fail with the result of destroying any sense of being able to survive, to make it, or do I simply give in so I can survive? I know it’ll be that much harder when I go in but I have to get there first, right?

Ugh…. I didn’t want to update until I heard from her but need to get my thoughts out of my head so I can manage the day.

I went for a walk this morning, only a ½ hour at a moderate pace, to give me some sanity. I’m not supposed to be doing any exercise; I’m supposed to be keeping as still as I can but that results in over-whelming anxiety so I chose to walk. I’m taking it easy now. I had a wee bit of breakfast and will do what my therapist suggested: setting my timer to remind me to eat. I don’t really need to do that though since I watch the clock and think about eating all the time while, at the same time, feeling the calm that comes with hunger.

I was playing cards with my neighbors last night. I’ve told them I’m going to a special clinic to help my GI issues. They can accept that. Anorexia came up in reference to someone else and they said it was good I didn’t have that and that I wasn’t that thin………. wow. So yeah – fat, fat, fat. I had mentioned that I would be larger when I returned. They said you may not be and that I looked fine. One lady said it wouldn’t hurt me to add a few pounds (a comment I discarded immediately). What a horrible discussion. I do have muscles and extra skin from when I did gain some  weight (after you’re 40 your skin stays stretched out because of loss of collagen) so yeah, I don’t look as thin as I technically am. Plus they assume you have to be skeletal to be anorexic. This was about the worst conversation we could possibly have had! Fortunately I am rather numb so it simply confirmed, in my head, that I’m not thin. I won’t act on it because I know what I look like, I know the condition of my body. They only see me in bulky clothes because it’s winter and where I live that means snow, ice, and freezing temperatures.

Just today… one more day… tomorrow I’ll get news… just 24 hours…

5 thoughts on “the wait….

  1. Hang on in there this week. And remember thinness isn’t an indication of severity – I believe you need help whatever your weight might be- it’s also not an indicator of how much life the illness eats up- nor it is a badge of honour- don’t listen to your ED voice when you have those thoughts. I hope the week passes quickly for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you today as you receive the news.

    Also, you talked about learning to tolerate being uncomfortable. I remember this season in my recovery – learning to eat again and fighting not to use any of the go-to purge options that would tempt and torment me. To be honest, the only thing I could do after eating that would calm me down for the first few weeks would be to curl up in a ball and go to sleep until the feeling passed or became more bearable. It worked for me. A much better coping mechanism than any form of purging or other dangerous vices you can be tempted to pick up to numb the pain. The point is, I believe you can find a healthy or neutral coping mechanism that will help you get through those initial stages of discomfort and then, with time, you will get better and better at it.

    No matter what today brings, you can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

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