Saw my nutritionist today. She had already talked with the treatment coordinator and told me that if I lost any more weight I wouldn’t be allowed in the program. They would be forced to send me to inpatient, yikes. Anyone who’s gone to IP knows that is the worst place you can go. Seriously, I am not that thin so it’s kind of shocking to be told that I might be too thin to be in the program! I was reminded that they don’t go by what the scale says but by all the other numbers and I guess they’re worse than I thought.
How do I not lose weight? No really? It’s kind of like what I’m good at and once I start losing weight it’s really hard to stop. Here’s one of the problems – my stomach has shrunk so much that nearly any amount of food makes me feel full. Feeling full is a trigger. If I feel too full I purge. So in order to not purge and to comply with no exercise I restrict. But by restricting I shrink my stomach even more. See?
I’m very hearty though so I’m fairly confident that nothings going to happen to me even if I do lose weight. However they are not confident and they are the ones who make the decisions.
I faxed my blood work off to the treatment team who will review it and see if I need further tests. They will then order me an EKG assuming that funding comes through to pay for this whole thing. Also, the coordinator is going to talk to my therapist about all this as well. And even if everything goes perfectly, they won’t have a bed open until February 6. And that’s what they’re worried about, me losing too much weight before then.
So back to my nutritionist appointment. She told me in no uncertain terms to not lose any weight. I’m supposed to eat whatever I can to keep my weight up and do whatever it takes to keep the scale from going down. I was frank with her, actually I just broke down and started crying because I realized I just don’t have any control. Every time I sit in that office I promise that I’m gonna do better, and every time I come home I don’t.
Anyway, the coordinator will call me back Thursday morning Friday at the latest to give me an update of what’s been going on. She’s really really nice and said that if I need to talk with her anytime between now and then to give her a call. I’m actually thinking I might call her and talk with her about this weight thing because I think they’ve got it overblown and probably isn’t as critical as they are thinking it is. My blood work is good so maybe that’ll give them confidence.
I told my nutritionist today that I felt like if I didn’t lose weight that maybe that proves that I wasn’t sick enough to be in the program. If she looked at me rather sternly and said if there was a bed open today you would’ve been in it, you are sick it up.
So I sit here and wait. Of course today was the utter failure for doing what I’m supposed to be doing and I’m pretty confident the number on the scale tomorrow morning’s gonna be lower, sigh…. tomorrow I’m going to start eating as soon as I get up. I always wait several hours because I get up at 3 AM but maybe if I eat tiny tiny meals every hour I can get enough calories in to get me through. Last time I relapsed that is what I had to do in order to get my calories in because my stomach had shrunk so small. I remember eating like 10 times a day, little tiny bits, it was torture. However I’m under no illusions that when I get into the program I’m going to suffer considerably because I’ll be forced to eat more than a few tablespoons of food at a time. Ugh… however, I don’t want to die, and at this point I know I can’t help myself. I’m also really exhausted and I know it’s all gonna catch up to me. At this stage of my life I really can’t afford to add any more chronic issues.
Here’s the other thing, I can’t allow myself to except that this is going to happen because I know from experience that expectations kill me. What if I get everything prepared and get already to go and then all of a sudden there’s no funding to pay for it? The disappointment of course would be crushing which would trigger more anorexic behavior and on and on and on. I do hope I can go, I do hope it works out. There’s something in me that is desperate to have people that care. A lot of times I feel so alone and with all the recent rejections in my life the idea of being surrounded by people who care is kind of alluring. I don’t know…
I see my therapist tomorrow, after a 2 week break. I hope I can go in there and cry but I rarely do. I sit here and hope for that and then when I get in there and sit down I’m just numb. It’s awful. No release…
I hope I can cry…