falling, falling, failing

I apologize for not updating. I simply am not doing well… at all. The biggest problem is I don’t really want to recover but that is completely irrational, isn’t it! I know the longer I have behavior, the more entrenched I get and therefore the harder it is to pull out of it. Sadly I started purging my food in response to an extraordinarily difficult therapy session dealing with vulnerability. Once started, it’s super hard to stop. I don’t binge, just purge and not everything or I’d be a complete basket case. I’m down several more lbs from my last post. However, I still consider it high because it’s still in triple digits. I’ve been told though that with my body type, I would die before i ever made it to double digits. Yeah, fairly certain that is true.

My nutrionist wants me to start a clean slate this week: no exercise at all, and obviously no purging. She agreed to 1500 calories which, when I do eat it, eliminates any desire to binge, and therefore purge. Of course, I’m not binging… well, eating a bunch of sugar free mints, that would be a binge. I want to stop, don’t get me wrong: stop purging that is. Why can’t I? Everyday I wake up thinking that today I’ll avoid it but I don’t.

Today I started eating earlier so maybe I won’t get too hungry later. My stomach has shrunk so much that any feeling of fullness, which is very little food, makes me need to get rid of it. I never, never have the intention to purge, never ever. What happens is I eat, feel full, then purge as a response, out of panic.

I called the Upstate NY ED Program and set up an assessment, just in case. I can always cancel and chances are I am not sick enough to do the residential, nor will they accept my insurance. The assessment itself is expensive too but I might as well go see what they have to say, right? Can’t hurt. That is in two weeks, hmm, actually 12 days. It’s on January 30th. I have to start fasting 4 hours before the appointment since they do a metabolic test. Fortunately I get up at 330am so can have coffee before driving the 2 1/2 hours to the location. My metabolism is fine. I’m certain my blood tests will be fine too, they always are. I feel like a fool.

I’m also planning on driving across the country in early March to see my dad and brother. If it is recommended I do residential, and the VA miraculously pays for it, that will take at least a month for approval anyway so I’d have to do it after my trip, although I told them (dad and brother) that I’m having a medical evaluation that might effect the date so won’t confirm till after the 30th; they don’t know I have an eating disorder but they do know I have innumerable medical issues so I’ll let them fill in the blanks with whatever comes to their minds. Two years ago I went to see my dad and just recently remembered that I used it as a way to stop purging so maybe this will do that for me too, only it isn’t till March. I’d make it sooner but I’m concerned of too much snow through the Rocky Mountains.

Sigh… so life goes on. I saw my nutritionist on Monday, then made another appointment for tomorrow, Thursday, in hopes that I could make it for the 3 days, at least, then the next 4 days till I see her next Monday – epic failure.

I see my medical care doctor, normal appointment, on Friday so will have to let her know all this and ask for a possible non-VA consult. She’s so clueless with EDs though. Her response last time I relapsed this bad was, “why would you do that, being underweight makes you look older?” and, “why don’t you just try different foods?” and, “you know this will destroy your bones, don’t you care?” She means well but having a medical professional who is that clueless is a bit disconcerting. She’s the best for everything else so I’m unwilling to change, just for that.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Today I will try and do my best.

3 thoughts on “falling, falling, failing

  1. I think irrationality, and KNOWING it, is one of the most difficult things we deal with when struggling with recovery, and even in cycles of binging and purging or restricting. You aren’t alone! Keep your head up, and take things one moment at a time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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