The reason I haven’t updated is my constant, continual exhaustion! Perhaps if I exercised less and ate more that might help? Hahaha, doubt it. I am still without my oral appliance for sleep apnea, ugh. It’s been over a month now. I think I’ll call the dental clinic today. <just called and left a message begging them to find out where it is or if I have to order a new one>
I’ve been bored with crocheting all days so decided to take a couple of Coursera courses to pass the time. They do a wide variety free mooc courses. I’m taking the first of 3 courses each:
- soul beliefs: causes and consequences, part 1 – historical foundations
- Intellectual humility: part 1 – theory.
Both have been interesting so far. Other courses I’ve taken in the past were:
- Learning how to learn
- Our Earth: Its Climate, History, and Process
- Origins – Formation of the Universe, Solar System, Earth and Life
- Greek and Roman Mythology
After these I’m going to take some history courses, and perhaps some more philosophy or Earth sciences. I don’t know. I never make a decision until I’m available to start one. That’s half the fun, and besides, I don’t know where my head space will be at that time.
Still struggling with the eating disorder. I’m not losing weight, well a little, so that means my body fat % is probably still going down which, rationally speaking, is a very bad thing. I know I need to stop all this nonsense and soon. The problem is, as with any addiction or self-destructive habits, the longer it plays out, the harder it is to stop. I see my nutritionist again this morning and no doubt she’ll be demanding once again that I stop exercising. Honestly I don’t know how. If I do my anxiety will increase manifold. I did get my calories up to close to where she wants them so that is progress. I’ve also been consistently eating the additional carbs as much as I don’t want to. The problem with carbs is that when I eat them, I want more. My nutritionist would respond to that by saying, “well then, eat more.” Right…. So struggle, struggle, struggle
I’m also seeing my therapist today. My assignment from last week was to list things that give me a sense of comfort, as well as discomfort, non-ED related. She says we need to start somewhere to bring me back to a sense of affect. I’m fairly apathetic right now.
Examples of Comfort:
- Having and attending to fresh flowers
- writing letters to my friend in Wales
- doing course work at Coursera
- spending time with Oana
Examples of discomfort
- Visit with an old friend/acquaintance. Had to lie that I’m doing well since the status of our friendship isn’t to that level of sharing these types of difficulties.
- Getting together with neighbors
- spending money, as well as returning things (irrational fear that the store will accuse me of dishonest motives, which is silly)
- New Years party (obviously, socializing with people is difficult)
- EDA meetings because I’m sharing vulnerable things about myself.
- Visit with Zack & Lilly because they know too much about me and probably are just putting up with me.
So who knows what will come of that. I’ll try and get on here tomorrow to update the results of my appointments.
One good thing is that my pain level has been at a minimum; wonder why. I think I might be just this side of hypomania. That always decreases pain. I’ve been periodically taking extra meds but fear weight gain which is a known side effect of anti-psychotics. I’ve been assured that the quantity I take will not do that but the fear is still there. The energy though might be exacerbating the exercise. Last week both my nutritionist and therapist mentioned this so I must have seemed a bit off. I’m typically the last to realize that, sigh.
Alright, I’m off to my next adventure this morning. I already did my morning readings/studying, i.e., tarot and Orisa study. I then did my coursera work and now finished with this, all before 8am.